A Leela of Her Own
==============================================================================
A Leela of Her Own Written by Patric M. Verrone
Directed by Swinton Scott
==============================================================================
Production code: 3ACV16 Original Airdate on FOX: 07-Apr-2002
Synopsis:
When Leela is signed to the New New York Mets, she is
thrilled to be the first female major league blernsball
player. Drawing huge crowds at the games, Leela believes
she is an inspirational role model to all women. What she
doesn't realize is, she has such a following because she
is the worst blernsball player to ever play the game.
Title Sequence
Opening theme promotion:
SCRATCH HERE TO REVEAL PRIZE
Opening theme cartoon:
Unknown
Did You Notice...
... The Mets uniforms in 3002 were a throw-back to Mets uniforms in the
1980's. {N}
... That the first team that the Mets faced was the Swedish Meatballs
{MN}
Voice Credits
+ Starring
- Billy West (Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg)
- Katey Sagal (Leela)
- John DiMaggio (Bender)
- Tress MacNeille
+ Guest Starring
- Hank Aaron
- Bob Uecker
- David herman
- Phil LaMarr
- Lauren Tom
- Dawnn Lewis
- Tom Kenny
+ Also Starring
- Maurice LaMarche
Movie (and other) References
+ A League of Their Own (Movie)
- The title of the episode. Also the story is somewhat parallel.
{MN*}
+ Baseball Hall of Fame (Museum in Cooperstown, NY)
- Blernsball Hall of Fame {MN*}
+ Calgon Laundry Detergent (product comercial)
- When Fishy Joe asks what the secret of the good tasting pizza is,
the Cygnoid says it's an ancient Cygnoid secret, to which the
female Cygnoid responds "My husband, some hotshot. Here's his
ancient Cygnoid secret, live hornets". This is an word-by-word
copy of a classic comercial for Calgon. Just substitute the words
Cygnoid and live hornets for Chinese and Calgon. {MN*}
+ Coca Cola (Commercial)
- The end scene in which Leela throws the towel saying "Hey kid,
catch" is from the 1970's commercial starring Mean Joe Green {B}
+ Sports Illustrated
- The magazine Leela signs for eBay {MW}
+ eBay.com
- Leela signs a magazine for a girl called eBay (little e, big B)
{MW}
Previous Episode References
+ [1ACV05] Fear of a Bot Planet
- Our first look at blernsball, and we learn that Leela is a big
blernsball-fan. {MN*}
+ [2ACV08] Raging Bender
- The manager of the Ultimate Fighting League is now the owner of the
NNY Mets. {MN*}
+ [2ACV15] The Problem with Popplers
- Fishy Joe who bought the licence to sell popplers also buys the
pizza business {MW}
+ [2ACV16] Anthology of Interest 1
- We see Shea Stadium, home of the NNY Mets. {MN*}
Freeze Frame Fun
- Family Bros. Pizza
YOU'VE TRIED
THE REST, NOW
WE'RE OPEN!
- TOPPINGS
--------
-SILT
-ASBESTOS
-FLAMING
MAGNESIUM
-STUCCO
-SCARAB
-GUANO
THE 3002 METS
BLERNSBALL THE WAY
IT OUGHTN'T BE
- In the NNY METS Locker Room:
BLACK
BAR
GENERATOR
- LEELA AUTOGRAP SESSION
---BRING MONEY---
- Sports Illustrated Cover:
LEELA'S BEANS
The Met's
Magical
Fruit
- BLERNSBALL HALL OF FAME
Blernsball Fever
Contract It!
Animation, Continuity, and Other Goofs
All the whole numbers have been retired, Leela says, yet the
manager still wears #4 {GO}
The Cygnoids say "and put up clotheslines to hang up clothes
everywhere" while the closed caption titles read "and to buy
weapons to send to the terrorists back home". Someone probably
forgot to redo the closed captions after the September attacks
on the WTC. {K}
Leela pitched 70-some innings, yet never got an out. These are
mutually exclusive at least in Baseball: In order to get credit
for one-third of an inning, you must make 1 out. To get the
whole inning, you must get 3 people out. Thus, Leela's actual
stats would say she's officially pitched 0.0 innings. {m}
At the end of the episode, when Leela leaves the field (in the
tunnel). As the screen shift from Leela, to Jackie and back
(a few times), Leela's black makeup line under her eye keeps
disapearing and coming back. {D}
Comments and Other Observations
The Mets haven't won the World Series (in either Blernsball or
Baseball) according to "Anthology of Interest I", so you have to
wonder what made the guy give up Ultimate Robot Fighting League
for this team. {MN*}
Quotes and Scene Summary
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry looks out of the window
through a pair of binoculars. Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sit
at the table.
Leela: Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that
strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.
Fry: I know, and I've grown to accept that. Now I'm more
interested in that new pizza parlour across the street. Kinda
makes me pine for my days as a pizza delivery boy. "Here's you
pizza," I'd say. "I didn't order any," they'd say. And then I'd
be off to my next adventure.
Leela: That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars. [He
hands them to her and she snaps it in half and looks through it
like a telescope. Across the street an alien opens up Family
Bros. Pizza.] I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.
Farnsworth: Cygnoids? On our block? Flying foo! They
should go back where they came from.
Leela: Professor, please! Society's never gonna make
any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.
Now let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel
welcome.
Farnsworth: No!
Scene: Family Bros. Pizza. The owners are a man and woman
who look like giant fat insects with little antennae and
thoraxes, but they have the same limbs as humans. They are speak
with "Italian" accents. They stand in the middle of their
restaurant awaiting customers.
Cygnoid Woman: You sure about these chairs? Guidebook
says human legs bend down at knee.
She points at the chairs which have an extra part on the seat
that bends up.
Cygnoid Man: It's OK, Mama. Anyone complains, I bend legs
up for free. [He sees Fry, Bender and Leela through the
window.] Ooh! Customers! [Enter the trio.]
Welcome to Earth pizza store. Here, sit. I bend knees for you.
Bender sits down and the Cygnoid bends his legs up.
Bender: Ooh! That's a-comfy!
Fry and Leela sit down.
Cygnoid Man: OK, now, what kind of pizza goes in you?
[He points to a topping menu that offers silt, asbestos,
flaming magnesium, stucco, scarab and guano.] Silt?
Asbestos? We got guano -- very-- -- fresh!
Fry: Uh ... hmm ... do you have any food?
Cygnoid Man: Here, try a deep dish pizza. [He puts
a pizza topped with slop on the table.] Contains four kind
of things.
The Cygnoid woman cuts the "pizza" and something blue oozes
out. Fry and Leela reluctantly taste it and spit it out.
Leela: I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.
Cygnoid Woman: [Happy] Thank you.
Leela: No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This
is awful.
The Cygnoids shout at each other in Cygnoid and then burst
into tears.
Fry: Hey, hey. What's wrong? Was it something Leela said?
Cygnoid Woman: [Crying] We come to Earth to start new
life. Raise fat spoiled Earth kids, hang many underwear from
Earth clothesline, live Earthican dream.
They cry more.
Fry: Aw. Don't cry, foreign people. I used to work in a
pizzeria and as soon as I stop hallucinating and blasting puke,
I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza, Earth style!
Cygnoid Woman: Oh, thank you, magic biped!
She kisses his feet.
Cygnoid Man: You save us, a-sir. If we cannot make Earth
pizza our dream will die. Just like rats we crushed to make the
wine.
Fry spits out the wine over Bender's face and Bender spits
it back.
Time Lapse.
Fry: For starters, only use quality ingredients. Case in
point: No more live bees. [He holds up a jar of live bees.]
Oregano works equally well. And when you put pizzas in the oven,
don't get in with them.
He opens the oven door and a Cygnoid inside immediately
closes it.
Cygnoid from Oven: Hey, occupado!
Fry: Most important of all is the big screen TV. Human
families need a TV when they're eating so they don't have to
talk to each other. [He turns the TV on and there is a
blernsball game on.] Ah, the Earthican pastime: Blernsball!
The pitcher pitches and Bob Uecker commentates.
Uecker: [On TV] Mulligan drives the ball. It's
going, going and caught by the shortstop. Mets lose again. Man,
I haven't seen play this bad since the days of Bob Uecker! This
is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching!
The Cygnoids watch.
Cygnoid Man: Mets? Shortstop? Pinching the hitter? I
don't understand this "blernsball".
Fry: Well, if you're going to be Earthicans, we'll have
to teach you. How about your pizzeria plays a game against
Planet Express? Oh, but you'll need nine players.
Cygnoid Woman: No problem!
She shouts in Cygnoid and seven Cygnoids climb out of the
oven.
Cygnoid from Oven: Play the ball!
Scene: Central Park. People sit in the Cavern On The Green
and a dog catches what looks like a frisbee. The "frisbee" opens
and three little aliens shout at the dog. On the blernsball
pitch, the teams get ready for their game. Farnsworth doesn't
play and shouts from the seats.
Farnsworth: [shouting] Go, team! Beat those no good
Cygnoids! Show them they stink at a game they've never played
before!
Leela is the pitcher and the Cygnoid man goes up to bat.
Cygnoid Man: Ah, this is why I love Earth! Beautiful
star-brightened day, friendly blernsball game with chum pals!
So pleasant for everybody.
Leela throws the ball and beans him. He falls over.
Scruffy: Hit by a pitch. Take your base.
Leela gasps.
Leela: (shouting) Sorry about that. I guess I needed a
few more warm-up pitches.
Another Cygnoid steps up.
Bender: No batter! No batter! [Leela pitches and
knocks the second Cygnoid over.] No batter anymore.
Scruffy: Take your base.
Leela: (shouting) I didn't mean to hit you. I have some
trouble with depth perception.
Cygnoid from Oven: Yeah, me too now.
A third Cygnoid goes to bat.
Bender: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter,
batter! Hey, batter, batter! [The ball hits the Cygnoid.] Duck!
Scruffy: Take your base.
A crowd of people gather around and start watching the
game. Another Cygnoid goes to bat.
Cygnoid: Please, lady, I want to live. Can I use bat to
protect head?
Leela beans him.
Bender: Apparently not.
The crowd applauds.
Man: Check out the one-eyed bean machine!
Cygnoid Man: Hooray! I make a score point!
The Planet Express team gathers around Leela.
Fry: Leela, you beaned a run-in. You'd better let me
pitch.
Leela: But I've got a no-hitter going. [She sighs.]
You're right. Here.
She throws the ball at his face. The crowd cheers.
Randy: Don't take her out, she's a firecracker!
Leela walks away and bumps into Abner Doubledeal.
Doubledeal: Excuse me, I'd like to talk to you.
Leela: Am I under arrest?
Bender: Wait! I know you. You're the sleazebag who owns the
Ultimate Robot Fighting League.
Doubledeal: Not anymore. Now I'm the sleazebag who owns the
New New York Mets.
Leela: The Mets? Those bums are worse than me.
Doubledeal: Close to it. But they don't draw a crowd like
you. Which is why I wanna sign you to the team.
Leela gasps.
Leela: You mean I'd be the first woman ever to play Major
League Blernsball?
Commissioner: Well, yeah, but basically you'd just be a
publicity stunt. I figure a one-eyed lady skull-buster might
bring out the freakshow crowd.
Leela: Wow! The first woman ever to play Major League
Blernsball.
Commissioner: Again, yeah, but basically you'd just be --
Leela jumps into the air, cheering.
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela is kitted out in her Mets
uniform and 7/8 is printed on the back. She turns around to the
rest of the crew.
Leela: Ta-da! The first woman ever to play Major League
Blernsball. How do I look?
Hermes: Like a sexy Yogi Berra!
Farnworth: Why is your number seven-eighth's?
Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired.
Fry: Wow! I must say, I'm impressed. You look just like a ball
player. Can I pat you on the butt?
Leela: Fry, I'm a professional athlete! So go ahead.
Fry hesitates.
Fry: Oh! Now I'm too nervous.
Scene: Shea Stadium. The Mets play the Swedish Meatballs.
The Mets are at 0 while the Swedish Meatballs are ahead at 15.
Uecker's head is in the commentary box.
Uecker: Well, folks, it's only the fifth inning but the
Swedes have already turned this one into a "laffer". And that's
with two F's. The crowd is pouring out of the stadium L.A.-style.
The crowd leaves the bleachers. Leela sits on the bench in the
Mets' dugout watching the game. Enter Doubledeal.
Doubledeal: Skipper, we're losing the crowd. Put it our
new novelty act: Leela.
Leela gasps. The skipper kicks the ground.
Skipper: Darn it! I already put in the circus clown.
Behind them, the clown cartwheels across the pitch and honks
a horn.
Doubledeal: Yeah, but he bunted. Clowns are only funny when
they swing away.
Announcer: [On loudspeaker] Your attention, please. Now pitching
for the Mets: Turanga Leela. [Leela walks out onto the pitch but
the crowd doesn't notice.] A one-eyed woman.
The crowd turns around and a woman cheers Leela.
Woman: Come on! Throw like a girl!
The Planet Express crew cheer.
Fry: [Shouting] Go, Leela!
Bender: [Shouting] Come on, girl!
Amy: [Shouting] Too much eyeliner!
Leela stands ready to throw the ball and a batter takes his
position.
Uecker: This is history in the making, folks. Bjornson steps up
to the plate and Leela delivers.
Leela beans Bjornson, knocking him over. The crowd gasps.
Bender: Bullseye!
Bjornson gets up and staggers away.
Uecker: Ooh! An inauspicious start for the career of the first
woman blernsballer. [Another batter steps up and Leela beans him.
The crowd gasps again.] An inauspicious continuation for the
career of the first woman blernsballer.
Leela kicks the ground in frustration. The crowd chuckles. A
man dusts the batter off and the batter hands him some cash and
leaves. Another batter steps up.
Crowd: [Chanting] Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!
Bean! Bean! Bean!
Leela throws again, the ball curls around the back of the
player and knocks him out from behind. The crowd cheers.
Uecker: Ouch! It's a three-bean-ball salad. The Mets fans
love it though, and who can blame them? They haven't had much
to cheer about this year ...
The ball flies up to the box and smashes Uecker's jar.
The crowd cheers.P
Scene: Mets Locker Room. The male players wander around with
black bars covering their genitals. Leela sits on a bench but
Doubledeal doesn't notice her sadness.
Doubledeal: Kid, that was great! You got us more publicity than
a cowboy in a shark tank. Poor Tex, he was quite a shark.
Bender walks in dressed in a grooby suit, shades and a headset
phone. He trips over the wire from the black bar generator and
pulls the plug from the socket. The black bars go down and the
players cover themselves.
Man #1: Hey!
Man #2: Hey!
Mancene: Ancestor & Sons Ad Agency. [Leela shoots another
bean advert but this time in Spanish.]
Leela: Yo soy muy malo en lanzar, pero yo soy muy bueno
en comer frijoles. Come los Bean Bay frijoles, los frijoles de
los reyes.
Director #2: Cut! OK, now do one with bean suit on!
A man holds up a huge bean suit with a face, wearing a Mets
blernsball cap.
Scene: Outside Family Bros. Pizza. The Cygnoids have strung a
banner over the doorway reading "Leela Autograph Session --
Bring Money". A line of people has formed outside.
Cut to: Family Bros. Pizza. Leela, dressed in her Mets uniform,
sits at a table at the far end of the restaurant signing books
while the Cygnoids sell pizzas. Fry leans against the counter
with a smile on his face.
Cygnoid Man: Leela really bringing in the customers.
Cygnoid Woman: This keep up, we need to buy second sauce toilet.
A little girl stands in front of Leela holding a magazine.
Girl: When I grow up I want to injure men by throwing stuff at
them just like you, Leela. Will you sign my magazine?
She hands her a copy of Sports Illustrated with a picture
of Leela on the cover and the caption "Leela's Beans: The Mets'
Magical Fruit".
Leela: Aw! Sure thing, sweetie. Who should I make it out to?
Girl: Well, uh ... to eBay?
Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e" big "B"?
The girl nods and smiles. Leela signs the magazine and the girl
takes it and leaves. Another girl hands Leela a magazine. Bender
chuckles and presses some buttons on a calculator.
Bender: Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans. Add a one and two
zeros in front of that and we got ourselves a wad!
Leela: I'm not doing this for the wad. I'm doing it for all the
struggling female athletes who need a role model.
The woman who cheered Leela from the crowd at her first
blernsball game steps forward.
Woman: Yeah! A role model for how to stink!
Leela: What? Who are you?
Woman: Jackie Anderson. I'm on the blernsball team at NNYU and
I was hoping to get to play in the majors soon.
Leela: Oh, following in my footsteps?
Jackie: Pfft. God forbid! Your little freakshow is making it
impossible for real female ball players to be taken seriously. I
hope you're proud of yourself.
She leaves. Leela's lip wobbles and a tear trickles down her
face. Bender turns to the crowd.
Bender: Alright, show's over. No refunds. You heard the
robot. Get out!
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, still in her uniform,
sits on the couch with the rest of the staff sitting and
standing around her.
Leela: I'm a fool. The fans haven't been cheering for me,
they've been cheering at me.
Amy: Don't be upset, Leela. You, um ... you look really cute
in your uniform.
Leela: [Crying] That's what makes it so sad. I thought I was
doing something heroic.
Bender: You are. What about that little girl you visited in the
hospital? You know the one I mean? The one who died?
Leela: You're right. I can't let people down anymore. As God
as my witness, I vow to earn the respect of girls and women
everywhere. I will become the best blernsball player of all
time.
Hermes clears his throat. He is sat at the table looking at a
computer.
Hermes: That's statistically impossible. In 77 innings you
haven't gotten a single out. At this rate, you're sure to go
down as the worst blernsball player of all time.
Leela: Oh. Then I have a new vow. I solemnly swear that I will
become not the worst blernsball player of all time.
She thumps her glove, misses, and punches Farnsworth in the
face. Bender peers over his shades.
Scene: Blernsball Hall of Fame. Enter Fry, Leela and
Bender. They walk past exhibits such as the first ball hit into
orbit, Mark McGwire's bicep and the 2927 Yankees' heads all
crammed into one jar. Fry points at a display.
Fry: Hey, look! The players who broke the various colour
barriers.
In the display case is a green alien, an orange alien, a
purple alien and the racially superior alien from the Star Trek
episode, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield".
Bender: When will Man learn that all races are equally inferior
to robots?
Cut to: Worst Player In History Exhibit. The trio walk into a
small room. There is a hologram of a blernsball player sat on a
chair surrounded by photos of his "triumphs".
Leela: Ah, here we are. The worst player in history. If I can be
just a little better than him I can slink away with my head held
high.
Bender reads something.
Bender: It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to
an unusually cold bat.
Fry looks at a photo.
Fry: And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt.
Leela: It's even a crummy hologram.
She knocks the hologram's head. It moves.
Aaron Jr.: I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. [He holds out
his hand.] Hank Aaron XXIV.
Leela shakes his hand.
Fry: Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play so blowfully? The
original Hank Aaron was great!
Aaron Sr.: No, I was better than great. I was the home run king!
Bender: Neat!
He takes a photo of the head in a jar.
Leela: So, Hank -- The bad Hank. Just how blowful were you?
[Aaron Jr.: Well, I had a low batting average.
Aaron Sr.: Low? It was zero, you fungo! You went your whole
career without getting a hit.
Fry: Leela could beat that. She's pitched her whole career
without getting an out.
Aaron Sr. laughs.
Aaron Sr.: You stink, lady! Hey, Junior, she belongs in the
exhibit instead of you.
Aaron Jr.: Forget it. This job's too cushy to give up. [He picks
up Wade Boggs' head in a jar and drinks from it.] Ah, Wade Boggs!
Goes down smooth!
Leela: Look, I don't wanna be in this exhibit. That's why I need
your help. So I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you.
Aaron Jr.: Oh, I can't help you play better than Tiny Iota. That
guy was great. But I'll teach you everything I know.
Scene: Central Park. Leela stands on a pitcher's mound holding
a blernsball. Aaron Jr. holds a bat and Fry is the catcher.
Aaron Jr.: OK, let's see what you can do.
Bender: One thing she can do is lodge a ball in the depth centre
of your brain. You better get a batting helmet.
Aaron takes Bender's head off and uses it as a helmet. He lifts
Bender's teeth so he can see.
Leela: (quietly) Alright. Low and away.
She throws the ball and knocks Aaron down. Bender picks his
head up and staggers around, disorientated.
Aaron Jr.: OK, try it again. But this time keep your eye off the
ball.
Leela: You mean "keep your eye on the ball"?
Aaron Jr.: Hey, lady, which one of us is in the hall of fame?
He holds up the bat. Fry whispers to him.
Fry: [Whispering] Psst. You're holding the bat upside down.
Aaron Jr.: Just pitch the ball.
Leela: OK. Eye off the ball.
She throws the ball without looking at it, Aaron swings, misses
and Fry catches the ball.
Bender: Strike!
Fry: Hooray!
Aaron Jr.: You did it, Leela!
Leela: I didn't hit the batter! For once I was pitching and not
just belly-itching!
Aaron Jr.: Oh, you got that too? I think there's a rash goin'
around.
He scratches his stomach.
Scene: Outside Fenway Park. On the wall outside is a sign
saying "Home Of The Green Monster".
Cut to: Fenway Park. The Green Monster plays the blernsball
tune.
Uecker: Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters,
where the Mets close out a season that'll rank among Mankind's
most awful crimes.
The Cygnoids sell pizza to blernsball fans at a stand. Fry sees
and smiles.
Fry: Hey! You opened a franchise!
Cygnoid Woman: Yes. Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean Pizza.
Six kinds of beans, plus several things that look like beans.
"Fishy" Joe Gilman eats a slice.
Gilman: Beans, huh? Mmm. This is great! How to you make the
crust so fizzy?
Cygnoid Man: Ah-ah-ah! Ancient Cygnoid secret!
Cygnoid Woman: My husband, some hotshot! Here's his ancient
Cygnoid secret! [She holds up a jar.] Live hornets! We smush
them right into dough!
Gilman: I don't care if there's horse manure in it!
Cygnoid Man: That's a-good!
Gilman: I wanna buy this franchise. How does $100,000 sound?
Cygnoid Man: Forget it! We come to Earth to make pizza, not
money.
Cygnoid Woman: No, Blek! Other way around!
Cygnoid Man: Oh, right. Offer accepted!
He takes the cheque and Fry, Amy, Hermes and the Cygnoid woman
cheer.
Uecker: Well, fans, Boston's turning the last game into a real
"squeeeker"! And that's with three "e's"! Two men on and they're
down to their last out.
Leela sits in the dugout while the skipper watches the game.
Leela: Come on, skipper. It's my last chance to prove I'm not
the worst player ever. Please put me in.
Skipper: No. We're actually winning this game. You only go in as
a joke when we're eight runs behind. Or when our other pitchers
sneak out early to beat the traffic. [Leela turns away and sits
down.]
Skipper: [Shouting] Come on! Let's see some fundamentals out
there! [The clown honks his horn.] And not clown fundamentals.
[A Boston player hits the ball and it bounces over to the clown.
Instead of throwing it to another player he throws a pie instead.
The skipper kicks the ground.] Aw, darn, darn darn! Now the bases
are loaded! Isn't there a man on this team who can get one more out?
Leela: I can.
Skipper: I repeat: Isn't there a man on this team on this ...
Leela: I've been training with Hank Aaron.
The skipper turns around.
Skipper: You've been training with the Hank Aaron?
Leela: I've been training with a Hank Aaron.
Skipper: Alright then. Get in there and pitch like you've never
pitched like you before!
Leela runs onto the pitch. The Mets players' jaws drop and they
hold their hands to their heads.
Announcer: [On loudspeaker] Now pitching for the Mets: Turanga
Leela.
The crowd cheers.
Crowd: [Chanting] Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! [The bean
counters open a banner.] Go, Leela!
Farnworth: [Shouting] Go, Leela!
Amy: [Shouting] Come on, Leela!
Bender: [Shouting] Put it right down the pike!
Fry: (shouting) Strike him out, Leela! Do it for the hundreds of
women everywhere!
While the crowd continues chanting "bean", the Boston coach
takes a batter out and replaces him.
Announcer: [On loudspeaker] Your attention: Now pinch-hitting
for the Poindexters: Jackie Anderson.
The crowd gasps as Jackie steps up to bat.
[Uecker: Would you look at that! College blernsball's finest
female hitter making her big league debut against pro-ball's
worst female anything. I've never seen anything this bizarre,
and I've seen Mr. Belvendere naked! Woo!
Leela: (quietly) Keep cool. She's just like any other
player. She puts on her sports bra one arm at a time.
She throws the ball and Jackie misses.
Umpire: Strike one!
The crowd gasps. Leela gasps.
Leela: Strike one, a personal best!
She throws again.
Umpire: Strike two!
Uecker: [On loudspeaker] Remember, fans, this exciting moment
is brought to you by Month Old Franks, the hotdogs with experience!
Mmm-mmm!
Leela and Jackie wipe their brows. Hermes wipes his brow
with a sponge, and squeezes it into a file marked "Ballpark
Sweat". Leela throws the ball, Jackie swings and hits it. The
elastic tightens and breaks. The crowd look up and gasp. While
they aren't looking, Bender chuckles and steals some drinks from
the people in front of him. Amy takes one too. The un-tethered
ball flies through the air and into a target marked "Hit It Here
And Win The Game". The target lights up, a bell rings, Jackie
runs around the pitch, the giant rats run out and the Slurm
blimp crashes.
Uecker: A grand slam blern. The Mets lose! Their season
is over! And no question, Leela, the first woman ever to reach
the Majors, will go down as the single worst player in the
history of blernsball! [Leela walks sadly to the bench. Jackie
jumps around with joy and the Boston players lift her up.] And
yet tonight we have witnessed the beginning of a great career
for the first woman to play the sport well -- Jackie Anderson!
Cut to: Tunnel. Leela walks away from the celebrations hanging
her head in shame. Jackie pokes her head around the end of the
tunnel.
Jackie: Leela?
Leela turns around.
Leela: Jackie. I guess you were right. I'm a lousy role
model. I'm sorry.
Jackie: No, don't be. It turns out you were an inspiration after
all.
Leela: (crying) I was?
Jackie: Uh-huh. You were so awful that women everywhere set out
to prove they don't stink as bad as you. You know, like a pig or
something.
Leela: Oh, that's so kind of you. I guess I made a difference
after all.
Jackie: You absolutely did, Leela. Now please, please
retire. Immediately.
She leaves. Leela looks at the towel around her neck.
Leela: Hey, kid. Catch!
Jackie turns around, Leela throws the towel and knocks Jackie
over.
Scene: Blernsball Hall of Fame: Worst Player In History
Exhibit. Aaron Jr. looks at a cardboard stand-up of Leela,
standing where he used to sit. He sighs.
Aaron Sr.: Well, at least you're still the worst football player
of all time.
Aaron Jr.: Yeah. Yeah.
He puts on his cap, turns out the lights and leaves.
Contributors
{B} Blahness {D} Dapper
{GO} Greg On {K} Kryten
{MN} Magnus Nordlander {MN*} Michael Nissen
{MW} Marc Wichterich {N} NiX
{m} mtvcdm
Original Capsule Author: CGEF