==============================================================================
The Problem With Popplers Teleplay by Patric M. Verrone
Story by Darin Henry & Patric M. Verrone
Directed by Chris Sauve & Gregg Vanzo
==============================================================================
Production code: 2ACV15 Original Airdate: Sun, 7-Apr-2000
TV Guide synopsis:
Earth's most popular new food is discovered and marketed by
the crew -- until one of the snacks speaks to Leela.
Opening theme promotion: FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY Opening theme cartoon: [[[Unknown]]]
... A picture of Fry and Nibbler on the bulletin board?
... A ladies' room sign on Lurr's apron?
Daniel L. Dreibelbis:
... the laptop Hermes was using was an Apple iBook? (Does
that mean that Steve Jobs is still running Apple as a
head in a jar?)
Joe Klemm:
... Fishy Joe's price for Popplers is $1.99, $.01 off the
planned price for them?
... this is the first episode where Leela's first name is
mentioned?
... Kif tracks down Zapp's schedule on an Etch-A-Sketch?
Haynes Lee:
... Leela's wrist gadget sounds like a motorboat?
... Kif using an Etch-a-Sketch(r) as an organizer?
... Orangutan picking lice out of hippie's hair? (ewww!)
... Baby Poppler giggles like Pillsbury Doughboy?
- Starring
- Billy West (Fry, Dr. Zoidberg, Prof. Farnsworth, Zapp)
- Katey Sagal (Leela)
- John DiMaggio (Bender, Madison Cube Garden announcer,
"You suck" from the audience)
- Tress MacNeille (Linda, Ndunda)
- Guest Starring
- Phil Lamarr (Hermes Conrad)
- Lauren Tom (Amy Wong, Jurr)
- Special appearance by
- Phil Hendrie (Free Waterfall Jr.)
- Also Starring
- Maurice LaMarche (Lurr)
+ Star Trek (TV Series) {hl}
- "The Problem With Popplers" based on "The Trouble With Tribbles,"
a classic Star Trek episode.
- A "class M" planet on Star Trek is one that supports human life.
- Roddenberries named after Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry
+ Sara-Lee Pies {jk}
- Molten Boron jingle
+ Fast Food Chains {rjm}
- Burger Jerk = Burger King? (good description of the workers,
or maybe a pun on Soda Jerk)
- Fishy Joe's = Long John Silver, probably the first chain to
serve mostly seafood.
- Chizzler = Sizzler, good description of what you need for
their steaks.
+ McDonalds {hl}
- McPluto mentioned, and also the sign with the number eaten.
+ Popeye the Sailor Man {hl}
- Fishy Joe's Poppler song is similar to the theme music.
+ U-HAUL (Truck rental and moving services)
- U-YANK is a reference to that, up to the way the trailer
is colored.
+ PETA (Non-Profit Organization) {rjm}
- M.E.A.T. (Mankind for Ethical Animal Treatment) is similar to
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
+ Dateline NBC {jk}
- Datenight
+ Nannycam {hl}
- British nanny accused of killing toddler
+ "Poppin' Fresh" (TV Advertisement) {jd}
- The Poppler giggles when you poke its belly.
+ "Hail to the Chief" (Song Title) {jd}
- Bender's "Heil to the Chef" apron combines this song
title with the notorious Nazi greeting.
~ Dilbert (Comic Strip) {jd}
- Self-important boss who can't tell an electronic device
from an Etch-A-Sketch.
- [1ACV12] Omicronians appear.
- Bender's apron:
HEIL
TO THE
CHEF
- The trailer Planet Express ship hauls
U-YANK
- Billboard Leela crashes into
FISHY JOE'S
OVER
3.8x10^10
POPPLERS
SERVED
- The signs protesters carry:
STOPP EATING POPPLERS
BEFORE IS ARE
YOU POPP MURDER PEOPLERS
TOO
- The protesters' brochure
M.E.A.T.
(A picture of a man pushing a pig on a swing)
- Sign outside DOOP
DEMOCRATIC ORDER
OF PLANETS
UNITED AGAINST (crossed out, replaced with WELCOMES) THE
OMICRONIAN MENACE
- Inside, the sign above negotiation room
SECRET
CONFERENCE
ROOM
- At Madison Cube Garden:
MADISON CUBE GARDEN
SLURM CONCERT SERIES PRESENTS:
AN EVENING WITH A
HUMAN-EATING MONSTER
(Picture of (Picture of
Lurr in a Leela
ravenous backing up
advance) in terror)
- The walrus juice
NEW!
EXTREME
(picture WALRUS
of a JUICE
surfer
on a RIDE THE
walrus) WALRUS!
Leela sucks each of her fingers just once, yet the sound was of
five fingers. {ddg}
- She licks her thumb twice. I played it in slomo. {jde}
The salt on the Leela ape disappears when the alien king tries
to eat it. {jk}
- Actually, you can see the salt fall off the ape when the
Omicronian puts it in his mouth. {rmk}
According to Kif, 198 billion Omicronian young'uns were eaten.
Since Fry & Co. were getting a kickback of a dollar per dozen,
that would make them billionaires. So where'd all the money go?
{s}
[None]
META HUMOUR REFERENCE -- when they drive the ship through the
jumbotron billboard and Fry mentions to Leela "that's the second
time you did that this week" (referring, of course, to the
show's intro) {dld}
'Toronga' appears to be the name of a zoo in Australia.
According to Google, anyway. I bet Leela will get enough
orangutan jibes already. {af}
Sight of Bender painting a spacecraft reminiscent of the intro
to Red Dwarf. Sort of. {af}
Intelligent dolphins? They are, after all, the second most
intelligent creatures on Earth (humans are third). It didn't
look like a very large dolphin, anyway. That makes it even
worse -- the dolphin equivalent of veal? {af}
The juvenile Omicronian, Jurr (sp?) appears to be male, or at
least the Omicronian equivalent. He has three horns on his head,
like Lurr (sp?). What appears to be a female Omicronian doesn't
have any horns on her head. {af}
And now to affirm my true nerdiness - to calculate the
approximate number of trips required by the Planet Express
delivery ship to deliver 198 billion Popplers. Anyway, enough
chit-chat. Restrain the specimen!
Approximate (very, very approximate) usable volume of ship
= 25 x 25 x 50ft
= 175m^3 (Yes, I do stuff in SI)
Approximate volume of a Poppler
= 1in^3
= 0.000016m^3
Number of Popplers in one fully laden delivery ship
= 10 900 000 (Quite a few, really)
Number of trips required
= A suffusion of yellow.
Hang on - that's not right. Try another calculator...
= 17600 trips
I can see why they hired that U-Yank trailer... :-) {af}
Bender calls Zoidberg "Sigmund". Unless it turns out that his
first name really is Sigmund, I think that's a reference to
"Sigmund and the Sea Monster". It was a short lived kids show
about a friendly sea monster named Sigmund who befriends a
couple of kids. The kids have to protect him from both grown-ups
and the rest of the sea monsters who are very unfriendly. For
more info:
http://www.livingisland.com/shows/sigmund/desc.html
{lf}
- We later learn that Zoidberg's first name is John. {jd}
FOLKLORE ALERT:
True
- U.S. health inspectors allow a certain amount of
rodent droppings and hair in our foodstuffs.
False
- Rat urine is toxic to humans.
http://www.snopes.com/toxins/raturine.htm
{hl}
Fishy Joe mentions that human meat tastes lousy, and according
to Jeffery Dahmer, that's true. {rjm}
Urban Legend says that cats and dogs are served at many Oriental
restaurants. Although it is legal in Korea. {rjm}
The episode begins with a "commercial"
Fry, Bender and Leela as heroes in an oval.
Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by ... Molten Boron!
Change to a still picture of a smiling woman in protecting goggles
and gloves tilting a barrel filled with red hot stuff and labeled
"MOLTEN BORON".
Woman: Nobody doesn't like Molten Boron.
Regular intro.
Planet Express ship flies away from a brown planet covered in
green fumes. Inside the ship.
Fry: I hate the planet of the moochers. They take you out for
a drink, but when the check comes, their wallet's always
in their other pants. Which they borrowed from me.
Bender walks up to the lower deck.
Leela: Dinner ready?
Bender: Those lousy moochers cleaned out our pantry. All they
left was baking soda and capers. And here it is.
Fry: Ew!
Leela: Ew! Great. We're two days from earth with no food.
Bender: Problem solved. You two fight to the death, and I'll
cook the loser. [To Leela] Work his gut. I like
it tender.
Fry: Maybe that planet over there has a drive-thru. A Burger
Jerk or a Fishy Joe's or a Chizzler or something.
Bender: Don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere.
Leela: Yeah, it's probably only got a Howard Johnson's.
The ship lands on the planet.
Leela: Well, It's a type-M planet. So it should at least have
roddenberries.
Fry: I'm experienced at foraging. I used to find edible
mushrooms on my bath mat.
Bender: I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks, right?
Leela: No.
Bender: Not even if they're sauteed in a little mud?
Fry: Here's something. It looks like a ditch full of fried
shrimp.
Bender: What are you? Blind? It looks more like a hole full
of fried prawns.
Leela take one and puts it under her wrist gizmo. Humming
is heard.
Leela: Hmm, this thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous.
[Eats it.]
Fry: Well, how are they?
Leela changes in the face, dives for more and starts chomping
them non-stop, mumbling with delight. Fry takes one.
Fry: Oh, they're great. They're like sex, except I'm having them.
Bender: You know what these would go great with? Rocks.
Fry: Look, here's more.
Bender: The planet's covered with them.
Fry: Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls.
Bender: No, a whole Bender-ful.
Leela: No, only what we need. Stuff the ship.
Later, the ship comes back to Earth and lands at Planet Express.
Hermes: Planet Express ship, you are cleared to land.
Leela: [With her mouth full and still eating] Roger.
Later, in the kitchen.
Hermes: Oh, man, I'm inhaling these things. You guys scored
some primo stuff here.
Zoidberg: [Gorges them] They're tastier than an unguarded
penguin nest. What do you call them?
Leela: We haven't thought of a name yet.
Bender: They're tasty, right? Let's call them tasticles.
[Everyone groans in disgust.]
Leela: We can't call them that.
Bender: Why not?
Leela: It sounds too much like those frozen rocky mountain
oysters on a stick. You know, testsicles.
Hermes: According to government records the only names not
yet trademarked are Popplers and Zitsels.
Fry: I know -- we'll call them Popplers.
[Everyone agrees]
Amy: You picked it.
Fry: Swish.
Zoidberg: [Eating] Call them what you want. I call them a
free meal. [Eating]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, Sigmund. I can't
stand idly by while poor people get free food. We
got to sell these things.
Fry: Hey, yeah!
Leela: Good idea.
Bender: Bender's a genius!
On the street. They've set up a stand and sell popplers.
Fry: Hey, business is great.
Bender: Great is okay, but amazing would be great.
On the other side of the street.
Man: Please, don't push. There's hot dogs for everyone.
Bender growls and crosses the street.
Bender: Hey, mac, where do you want those rat droppings you
ordered?
People groan in disgust and cross over to get some Popplers.
Man: Wait a minute. You're the not the guy who delivers
the rat droppings. [Bender laughs fiendishly]
A man walks to the poppler stand.
Joe: What are you selling? Popplers? Never hoid of 'em.
Bender: Eat it or beat it.
Joe: Mmm, mmm. These are great. Boys, this is your lucky day.
I'm Joe Gilman. [Points to a Fishy Joe's sign]
Fry: Wow. You're some guy who eats at Fishy Joe's?
Joe: Hell, no. I AM Fishy Joe. I've got a fast-food franchise
on every planet in the known universe, except McPluto.
Bender: Hey, Fishy, I've been meaning to write you about your
in-store kiddy parks. The slides won't support an adult
robot.
Joe: Good point. Not interested. But these Popplers --
these are great. How much do you sell them for?
Fry: A dollar a dozen.
Joe: You'll never make money that way. You supply them
to me and I'll sell them for two bucks a dozen at my
restaurants. I'll even pay you a dollar a dozen.
Bender: Yes! I'm going to be rich! You, too, but it's hard
to get excited about that.
Fry: How do we sign?
An upbeat tune plays. A counter is installed at Fishy Joe's showing
OVER 1 POPPLERS SERVED
Fry & Bender: [Singing]
Pop a Poppler in your mouth
When you come to Fishy Joe's.
What they're made of is a mystery,
Where they come from, no one knows.
You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em,
You can chew 'em, you can stick 'em,
If you promise not to sue us,
You can shove one up your nose.
While they are singing. Several scenes change. The Planet Express
ship flies to get more Popplers. Bender crosses "Planet" on the
side changing it to "Poppler". Cut to Fry and Bender recording
the song. Cut to the counter getting to over one million Popplers
served. Cut to "TUBE-THROUGH WINDOW" selling Popplers. The line
moves quickly until it gets to Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: I can't pay. [The line grumbles]
Finally, the Planet Express ship, returning with the new batch of
Popplers crashes into a billboard.
Fry: Leela, that's the second billboard you crashed into this week.
Leela: Sorry. I was distracted by those protesters outside our building.
A large group of protesters at Planet Express, making a lot of noise.
Prof.: Hey, unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off
my property.
Waterfall: You can't own property, man.
Prof.: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie.
Leela: What do you people want?
Waterfall: We're with Mankind for Ethical Animal Treatment.
[M.E.A.T.]
Popplers are living creatures. You've got to stop
harvesting them for food.
Bender: Or what?
Waterfall: Heh, or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's.
Leela: You're vegetarians. Who cares what you do?
Waterfall: Uh ... shut up!
Leela: Animals eat other animals. It's nature.
Waterfall: No, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat tofu.
Pan to a sick-looking, malnourished lion, coughing every couple
of seconds.
Waterfall: The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.
[A brick hits him on the head] Umh!
Bender: Okay, we won't eat you.
Leela: I'll go get some more bricks. [Goes inside] Fry, I
wish you'd throw out these week-old Popplers. They're
getting big and scaly. Ooh, there's one left!
Poppler: [Unfolds, revealing an eyes and a mouth] Mama.
Leela gasps and tosses it away. It lands in a package of honey
mustard sauce and starts swimming it it, giggling happily. Leela
covers her mouth with her palms. Then she licks her fingers.
[End of Act One. Act Time: 6:46 Running Time: 6:46]
Leela rushes into the room, where everyone is eating Popplers.
Leela: Stop! Stop eating Popplers!
[Slams the buckets of Popplers out of everyone's hands]
Amy: Why?
Bender: My booze!
Leela: Popplers are intelligent. This one called me "Mama."
Zoidberg: Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father.
Bender: Popplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating from
not eating enough Popplers. Here, eat some now.
[Hands her a bucket]
Leela: No!
Bender: I said eat!
[Grabs her face and pours Popplers on her]
Come on! Mangia!
Leela knocks the bucket out of his hands. It lands in a trash can.
Leela: Oh! Sorry, babies.
Amy: Leela, maybe you should lie down.
Zoidberg: Yes, listen to the father.
Leela: I'm telling you it spoke to me. Come on, little Poppler,
say "Mama."
Fry: Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk that doesn't
mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk, and we
eat them, right?
Bender: Yeah, maybe it just learned to talk as a parlor trick,
like Fry.
Fry: [Like a parrot] Like Fry. Like Fry.
Prof.: There's one way, and only one way to determine if an
animal is intelligent. [Joyfully] Dissect its brain.
Poppler: No! Mama! Stop Grandpa! [Everyone gasps]
Prof.: Enough chitchat. [Sharpens the razor] Restrain the
specimen.
At Fishy Joe's, everyone eats Popplers.
Woman: ... some of that special sauce.
An "horrible gelatinous blob" alien eats some Popplers. A fat guy
reaches inside him, takes one out and eats it. The alien swallows
him whole in retaliation.
Outside the restaurant, Leela's wearing a "Free The Popplers" sign.
Leela: Stop eating Popplers! They can talk!
Man: [In a Poppler suit with a sign "Free Popplers"]
Don't stop to talk. Eat Popplers!
Leela: Hey, cut it out.
Man: Take a coupon. Cut it out.
Leela hits him over the head with her sign, knocking him down.
At another Fishy Joe's, Fry handcuffs himself to the rotating door.
Fry: People, I won't let you enter. Popplers are as intelligent as
you or me.
Man: You, maybe.
Pushes Fry, the door rotates with Fry as dead weight. People freely
go in and out.
At yet another Fishy Joe's, Bender is shaking his head like a bell.
Bender: Hear me! Hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating
them with honey mustard sauce! Stop eating them with tangy
sweet-and-sour sauce. Stop eating the new fiesta Poppler
salad. Stop taking advantage of the money-saving 12-pack.
People gather round and go in. Planet Express ship flies overhead,
dropping a bomb.
Bender: Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, in the car, or on the
boat -- wherever good times are had.
The bomb falls nearby, hits Bender on the head, lands on the pavement,
opens to shoot up a flag: "PLEASE DON'T EAT POPPLERS".
At Planet Express, the crew is watching TV.
Linda: Tonight, on Datenight: Popplers. Eating them. Is it
all right to? We have with us the C.E.O. of Fishy
Joe's, Mr. Fishy Joe Gilman; noted anti-eating activist,
Free Waterfall, Jr., and the discoverer of Popplers,
Captain Toronga Leela.
Fry: Toronga?
Amy: That's her name, Philip.
Bender: Philip?
Linda: Fishy Joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent animals?
Joe: Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think anyone's here
to make that claim.
Leela: I am.
Waterfall: Me, too.
Joe: Listen ...
Waterfall: Shut up.
Joe: We're talking about a snack ...
Waterfall: Shut up.
Joe: ... that's low in fat and high in profit.
Waterfall: You're crazy, man. He is crazy.
Joe: There's not even any strong evidence that these Popplers
are intelligent.
Waterfall: Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Leela: That's not true. I have one right here that can talk.
Waterfall: Shut up.
Leela: Come on. Say "Mama."
Poppler: Caca.
Linda: Okay, we'll have to bleep that.
Leela: Look, I'm not saying eating meat is wrong.
Waterfall: Shut up.
Leela: I don't think anyone's here to make that claim.
Waterfall: I am.
Leela: But eating an intelligent animal is different.
Waterfall: Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Joe: Oh, don't force your tired philosophy on us. I mean,
the only reason we don't eat people is because it
tastes lousy.
Waterfall: You're all nuts. Shut up. Let me talk.
Linda: You shut up, please.
Waterfall: No, you shut up, please.
Joe: Popplers are no smarter than any other animal I've served
and that includes cats.
Poppler: Caca-head. Mean old caca-head.
Joe: Sir, I'm making a point. If these guttermouth creatures
are so smart, why don't they defend themselves, huh?
[Grabs a bucket of Popplers and starts eating]
Leela: Stop it!
Waterfall: I call murder on that.
Joe: Look, I'm willing to grant that it's murder. The real issue
is ...
[Turns the bucket over to get the last of the Popplers out]
... who's going to stop me? [Laughs]
Rumblings starts and the screen starts shaking. Everybody screams.
Cut to Omicronian ships approaching.
Linda: We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties
[An I-beam falls from the ceiling] and crap like I've
never seen!
The screen goes blank, then Omicronians appear.
Alien: People of Earth, I am Lurr of the planet Omicron Persei
Eight. [The words echo and some feedback sounds] Turn
down that TV, Ndunda.
Prof.: Dear Lord, they're back.
Amy: We're doomed.
Hermes: Doomed!
Bender: Doooooooooooooooo ...
Lurr: Now then, the creatures you call Popplers come from a
nursery planet in our sector.
Ndunda: You monsters have been eating our babies.
Leela and Waterfall gasp. Fishy Joe spits out the last Poppler he'd
eaten and tries to "rebuild" it, giggling embarassedly.
Ndunda: We demand justice. As you ate our children, so shall you
be eaten by us.
Lurr: We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers
and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten.
[Laughs. Other aliens join] Transmission over.
...
Well, that went okay. I tell you, when you know you
can't scratch that's when you really have to, huh?
[Scratches himself] Oh ... oh, yeah, that feels a lot
better. What? It's still on? Oh! [Picture goes out]
At the DOOP headquarters.
Zapp: As chief negotiator, I speak for all of Earth when I
mourn the regrettable loss of the Omicronian young. We
share your pain. [Takes a Poppler out of a suitcase
before him and eats it.]
Kif: [Sighs]
Zapp: Mmm, if we could undo the damage ... [Takes another
one] Mmm. These would be great with gwack-a-mole.
Lurr: Stop eating our young! And it's pronounced GUACAMOLE!
Zapp: Mmm. All right. I'm putting them away. [Puts suitcase
on the floor and eats some more while down there]
Kif: [Sighs in frustration again]
Zapp: Now, uh, what is it you want?
Lurr: We demand ...
Zapp: [Burps]
Lurr: We demand to eat one human for each Omicronian that
was eaten.
Zapp: Fair enough. How many is that?
Kif: 198 Billion, sir.
Lurr: Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans.
And, uh, small fries.
Ndunda: Lurr!
Lurr: Oh, all right, cottage cheese.
Kif: [Whispers to Zapp] Sir, there aren't that many human
beings.
Zapp: A thought occurs: There aren't that many humans.
Lurr: We'll wait a few weeks while you shore up the numbers.
Zapp: Hmm? 198 billion babies in a few weeks. We'll need an
army of super-virile men scoring 'round the clock! I'll
do my part. Kif, clear my schedule.
Kif: [Sighs, turns over and shakes an Etch-A-Sketch]
At the DOOP meeting room.
Fry: I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with.
It's the waiting I can't stand.
Leela: That's stupid.
The door to the negotiation room opens and Zapp, Kif and Omicronians
walk out. The audience cheers.
Zapp: My fellow Earthlings, we have reached an agreement. Using
the twin guns of grace and tact I blasted our worthless
enemies with a fair compromise. [All cheer] They will
not eat everyone on Earth.
Lurr: [Embarrassed] I filled up on nuts at the negotiation.
Zapp: Instead, they will eat only a single human of their choice.
Lurr: We choose to eat the first Earthling who ate our offspring.
Here is the culprit as photographed by our Nannycam
satellite. [The screen shows a recording of Leela munching
Popplers] She must be sacrificed, but the rest of you shall
be spared.
Everyone cheers, except Leela, Fry and Bender.
Leela: Boo! Boo!
[End of Act Two. Act Time: 7:22 Running Time: 14:08]
At Madison Cube Garden.
Audience murmurs.
Linda: Tonight the world watches in horror as an Earthling is
eaten alive on network television. This grim scene of
unimaginable carnage is brought to you [In an upbeat
voice] by Fishy Joe's. Try our new extreme walrus
juice. 100% Fresh-Squeezed Walrus. Ride the walrus!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Omicronians!
Lurr: Greetings, Earth mortals. [Audience boos]
Man: You suck!
Lurr: Get a job!
Bender: I'll miss you, Leela. I know you're just a carbon-based
life-form, but I'll always think of you as a big pile of
titanium. [Sniffles]
Fry: What Bender means is, you're really brave, and smart and
beautiful and a great friend.
Bender: Just like titanium. [Sobs]
Leela: This is all a big load. I was the one trying to save
the Popplers. You [Points at Fry] were sucking them
down like the fat hog you are, and you [Points at
Bender] were stepping on them for fun. You both should
be in here instead of me.
Bender: Someone's acting awfully aluminum.
Zapp: Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a
devious plan.
Leela: Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you
tell it to Wingus and Dingus here.
Zapp: [To Fry and Bender] Wingus, Dingus, listen up.
We're going to give the aliens the old switcheroo.
Fry: You mean ...?
Zapp: Correct. I found a giant, hideous ape that looks
exactly like Leela.
Kif rolls in a cell with an ape.
Leela: It doesn't look anything like me. The hair is all
wrong.
Zapp: Don't worry, Kif is an expert stylist, as you can plainly
see. [Runs his fingers through his own hair] Mmm!
Kif: [Groans]
Kif gets to work.
Leela: You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians
seem to have trouble telling one person from another.
Zapp: True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was
the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient.
Isn't that right, Kif?
Kif: Please, I'm creating. [Finishes] Viola!
The ape eats a banana and scratches its ass.
Bender: Bingo!
Fry: That's Leela.
Zapp: I'm seeing double.
On the stage. Lurr is at the table.
Lurr: I grow hungry. Bring on the one called "Leela."
Waiter: That comes with salad or soup.
Lurr: Uh, salad.
Waiter: Ranch or vinaigrette?
Lurr: [Displeased] Vinaigrette.
Waiter: Balsamic or raspberry?
Lurr takes out a ray gun and disintegrates him.
Zapp rolls out the cell with the ape. Ndunda puts it on the table.
Audience murmurs.
Audience: [Murmurs] What's going on?
Zapp: People of Earth... Shh!
Audience: [Murmurs] Now I understand.
Lurr: [Looks at the picture, then at the ape] Hmm ... Hmm.
Mm-hmm. Yes, this is the one, definitely. I recognize
her slumping posture and hairy knuckles.
Leela looks at her knuckles. Lurr starts salting the ape, making
a whole heap of salt on its head.
Ndunda: Would you like some human with your salt?
Lurr picks the ape up and opens his mouth.
Linda: This is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's ploy, the
Earth will be saved. Brought to you by Fishy Joe's.
Ride the walrus.
Free Waterfall, Jr. runs onstage.
Waterfall: Wait! Stop! It's a trick! That's not Leela!
[Audience boos]
Lurr: Wha-what's happening? I'm losing the crowd.
[Puts the ape down]
Waterfall: It's an orangutan, one of Mother Earth's most
precious creatures.
Lurr: Hmm. [Takes out glasses and looks at the ape]
Zapp: [Grabs Waterfall by the hair and pulls him away]
Why'd you open your bonghole, you smelly hippie?
You'd sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a
moderately attractive monkey? You must've smoked
some bad granola.
Lurr: The one called "smelly hippie" is right. This is
a monkey.
Ndunda: [Eats the ape] Yes, definitely.
Lurr: Where is the real female?
Zapp: I'll never tell.
Lurr: Where is the real female? [Points a ray gun at him]
Zapp: I'll get her for you.
Zapp wheels in the cage containing Leela.
Zapp: I realize this may hurt our chances of consummating our
relationship again.
Leela: Go consummate yourself.
Lurr: Stop talking! You're getting cold! [Grabs Leela]
Leela: Please! I just paid off my car!
Fry: No!
Bender: I can't look. [Unscrews his eyes and puts them inside
his torso]
Lurr opens his mouth.
Poppler: Stop! [Runs onstage and jumps into Leela's mouth]
People of Earth, I am Jurr of the planet Omicron Persei
8. Could someone lower this thing for me? [Leela does]
Now then, if Leela gets eaten I get eaten!
[Everyone gasps]
Ndunda: Little one, get out of there! I'm going to count to
blorks!
Jurr: But elder one ...
Ndunda: [Counting] Flingle, glorg, glorg and a gloob ...
Jurr: Hear me out! There are many good reasons to eat:
hunger, boredom, wanting to be the world's fattest man,
but not revenge. Are we no better than they? Besides,
Leela's my friend.
Lurr: [Garbled] Is this true, Earthling?
Leela: [Garbled] You are hearing it.
Lurr: [Removes Leela from his mouth] Leela's garbled words
have opened my eyes. [Audience cheers]
Leela spits Jurr out on her hand and pokes him in the stomach.
He giggles like "Poppin' Fresh."
Waterfall: Okay, that's a start. That's very Earth-friendly.
Now, everyone join hands! Join hands, please! I'd
like to lead you all in some swaying. Come on, pay
attention. [The audience ignores him] I said, do
it! Yeah. Over there. Do it!
Lurr: [To Jurr] Is he your friend, too?
Jurr: No.
Lurr swallows Waterfall.
Waterfall: Aah! This is not happening.
Audience cheers. Lurr waves to them, and then ...
Lurr: [Groans] Ooh, I think there was something funny in
that hippie.
Leela: Thank you, Jurr. [Kisses him] I hope you'll always
think of me as your mom.
Jurr: When my species grows up, we eat our moms.
Leela: Whoop! [Tosses Jurr to Ndunda, who catches him]
Lurr: People of Earth ... ooh, that hippie's starting to
kick in. We've all learned an important lesson today.
I realize now, that ... Dude, my hands are huge!
[Audience murmurs] They can touch anything but
themselves. [Touches one hand with another] Oh, wait.
Ndunda: Let's go.
Lurr: Ooh. Hmm ... [Touches his cape] Whoa-ho-ho. Whoo.
Yeah ... [Exits with a poor flourish of the cape]
Weak applause.
The Omicronian ships take off.
Lurr: Whoa, I feel like I'm flying!
Back at Planet Express.
They are celebrating. Bender serves the table.
Prof.: A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to
eat certain things.
Fry: Hear, hear!
Bender: Let's get drunk!
Leela: Aw, thanks, guys. Pass the veal, please.
Bender: Here you go.
Fry: Mmm, let me get some of that suckling pig.
[Amy hands it to him]
Bender: Who wants dolphin? [Everyone gasps]
Leela: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent.
Bender: Not this one. He blew all his money on instant
lottery tickets.
Leela: Oh. That's different. Pass the blowhole.
Amy: Can I have a fluke?
Hermes: Hey, quite hogging the bottlenose.
Prof.: Toss me the speech center of the brain.
[End of Act Three. Act Time: 7:40 Running Time: 21:48]
Capsule authored by "Me".
{} "Me"
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{jde} Jeremy Dennis
{dld} Daniel L. Dreibelbis
{jd} Jym Dyer
{lf} Larry F
{af} Adam Foster
{rmk} Rev. Matt Keeley
{jk} Joe Klemm
{hl} Haynes Lee
{rjm} Robert J. Muldoon
{s} Seraphim
TV Guide synopses by TV Guide
The capsule has been compiled and the transcript written by Me whose name I prefer not to mention.
You can do whatever you want with this capsule, but be reasonable.