War Is The H Word

==============================================================================
War is the H Word		Written by Eric Horsted
				Directed by Ron Hughart
==============================================================================
Production code: 2ACV17			Original Airdate: Sun, 26-Nov-2000

TV Guide synopsis:
    Seeking servicemen's discounts, Bender and Fry join the
    Earth Army, only to find themselves in a war, and being
    led by Zapp Brannigan, who has eyes for a soldier who's
    really Leela in disguise.

Title Sequence

Opening theme promotion: 
	TOUCH EYEBALLS TO SCREEN
	FOR CHEAP LASER SURGERY

Opening theme cartoon:      
	"Neptune Nonsense" by the Van Beuren Studios (1936)


Did You Notice...

... Brainballs use the metric system?
... A horse is operated on at the hospital?


Voice Credits

- Starring
  - Billy West (Fry, Dr. Zoidberg, Prof. Farnsworth, Zapp, Nixon)
  - Katey Sagal (Leela, Lee Lemon)
  - John DiMaggio (Bender)
  - Tress MacNeille (Jellyfish Nurse)
- Guest Starring
  - David Herman
  - Phil Lamarr (Hermes Conrad)
  - Lauren Tom (Amy Wong)
  - Todd Sussman
- Also Starring
  - Maurice LaMarche (Kif)


Movie (and other) References

+ Starship Troopers (Movie and Robert Heinlein novel)
  - The humans being the alien invaders, defeating the strange
    indigenous creatures in war    {al}
  - Uniforms similar to the 1998 film    {al}
  - Along those lines, they referred to the leader balls as "Brain
    Balls" just like the "Brain Bugs" in the movie.    {f?}
+ Star Wars: A New Hope (Movie)
  - Fry training with lightsaber and a training probe
+ M*A*S*H (TV Series)
  - The whole hospital part.
  - iHawk robot is a reference to Hawkeye Pierce.  Its voice is
    also deliberately impersonated.
+ Late Night with David Letterman (TV Show)
  - The Top 10 lists.  The music, the intro and the whole way
    Bender's "Top 10 most frequently uttered words" is presented.
+ Gerber baby food
  - "The original Gerber baby:"  the painting of a baby they use in
    their logo is supposedly a very very young Humphrey Bogart.    {mz}
+ "Dizzy" by Tommy Roe (1969 Song)
  - Nixon sings it in the shower    {al}
+ "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves (1983 Song)
  - Fry sings it while scrubbing Kif    {al}
+ Legion of Super-Heroes (Comic Book)    {jb}
  - Leela uses the alias Lee Lemon.  In an early issue of LSH,
    Mon-El uses the alias "Legionnaire Lemon."
+ "Loose Lips Sink Ships" (Slogan)    {jd}
  - Used on WWII progaganda posters to discourage gossip.
+ Elvis Presley commemorative postage stamp    {jk}
  - "Use the young Bender."


Previous Episode References

- [1ACV04] Zapp lusts for Leela
- [2ACV03] Nixon is President


Freeze Frame Fun

- Sign on 7^11:
      ___ 11
        /
       /
  Open 28 Hours

- Signs in the windows:
   CASHIER HAS        FREE [[[anyone
   ONLY $10 IN             got 
 CHECKING ACCOUNT     WITH what's here?]]]

- Bubble gums at 7^11:
  SPIDER    HUBBLE    LIQUID NITROGUM    BIG
   YUM      BUBBLE      Chewing Gum      PINK

- Outside the recruitment center:
       EARTH ARMY
    RECRUITING CENTER

                      JOIN THE
                        ARMY.
                    WHAT ARE YOU,
                      CHICKEN?
                    BUK BUK BUK

  - Inside, on the wall:
      EARTH ARMY
   (picture of a coffin
    wrapped in a flag)
      Employee of
      the Month

- At the spaceport:
  NIMBUS (the name of Zapp Brannigan's ship)

- Signs:
  EARTH MEN         BIG WAR
     ARE            TOMORROW
  REAL MEN          [[[anybody got the part here?]]]

- On the ship:
  BUY BONDS!
  SELL STOCKS

- The numbers in the binoculars at the bottom when Zapp zeros in
  on Leela:
  689409: 790 754.

- Poster on the wall in the military lunchroom:
 (A picture of a woman)
     ROUND HIPS
     SINK SHIPS

- Sign outside the officer's club:
    WE DON'T KNOW
  BUT WE'VE BEEN TOLD
   OUR BEER ON TAP
   IS MIGHTY COLD

- Bender's Top 10 List:
  Bender's
  TOP    MOST FREQUENTLY
  TEN    UTTERED WORDS
    10. "CHUMP"
     9. "CHUMPETTE"
     8. "YOURS"
     7. "UP"
     6. "PIMPMOBILE"
     5. "BITE"
     4. "MY"
     3. "SHINY"
     2. "DAFFODIL"
     1. "ASS"

- The paper:
  NEW NEW YORK POST
     WAR OVER!
  Balls Thoroughly Licked
    (Picture of Zapp
     with bruised eye
     giving a thumb up)


Animation, Continuity, and Other Goofs


When the military man buys his porno mags and stuff in the 7^11,
he has to pay $95, but he gives one bank note to the cashier
and leaves without saying anything or getting change ... is he
tipping the man?  Or are there really 95 dollar bills in the
future? :))  {gl}


Reviews

[None]


Comments and Other Observations


"So, anyway, we open up the panda crate and wouldn't you know
it?  The damn thing's dead."  He's talking about a panda.  If
you recall your world history, Nixon ventured into China to
hammer out the double standard for communist countries that the
western world currently has.  I don't know if that anecdote ever
really happened but basically it would be: The US received a
Panda from China but it died of choking on its own vomit during
shipment.  {mz}

Back in the 1970s, when Bubble Yum first came on the market, an
urban legend sprang up that it contained spider eggs, or was
made from spiders' webs.  Check out the urban legends page at:
  http://www.snopes2.com/horrors/food/bubblyum.htm
So it's nice to see the 31st century sells Spider Yum.  {jrm}

Regarding the title, "War is The H-Word:"  I found the quote here:
http://www.mi5th.org/WarIsHell.htm
I clipped the relevant part:
  "Suppress it!  You don't know the horrible aspects of war.
  I've been through two wars and I know.  I've seen cities and
  homes in ashes.  I've seen thousands of men lying on the
  ground, their dead faces looking up at the skies.  I tell
  you, war is hell!"  The reporters had missed the biggest
  story of the day. Brown, seated alongside Sherman, wrote
  down the speech verbatim. The Enquirer and News
  (Battle Creek) 18 November, 1933.
{lf}


Quotes and Scene Summary

At 7^11. Fry is looking at bubble gums.

Fry:      [To himself] Spider yum... hubble... nitro.. Ooh! Big pink.
          It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
Bender:   And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.

At the counter.

Clerk:    All right, seargant. A $100 worth of Pixie Stix and porno mags
          with your 5% military discount comes to $95.

Fry and Bender come to the counter.  Fry takes the gum.

Clerk:    That'll be 40 cents.
Fry:      I believe you're forgetting about our 5% military discount.
Clerk:    That's only for people in the military.
Bender:   What?
Fry:      Huh?
Bender:   This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me.
Clerk:    All right, look: our policy is: if for any reason you are not
          COMPLETELY satisfied, I hate you.

He pushes a button and Fry and Bender are tossed outside on the
conveyor belt.  Bender's head falls off.

Bender:   Okay, now I'm mad. [Puts his head back on]
Fry:      Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, Monsignor.

At the army recruitment center.

Bender:    Hello. We are here because... er.. we love our planet.
           [Bender and Fry giggle]
Recruiter: Sign here on the dotted line, patriots and I'll give you your
           discount cards.
Fry:       Just out of curiosity: we could use the cards to buy gum and
           then immediately quit the army, right?
Bender:    You know, playing you all for chumps?
Recruiter: Correct. There's no obligation.

They both giggle while signing papers.

Recruiter: Unless, of course, war were declared.
           [Siren blares and a red light flashes above their heads]
Fry:       What's that?
Recruiter: War were declared.

At the SOUTH STREET SPACEPORT.

Prof.:    Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their
          heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage. [Licks his
          lips]
Hermes:   I don't want to worry about your jobs while you are away. That's
          why I'm firing you now. [Fake cry]
Leela:    [To Zapp] I wanna enlist. My friends always die if I'm not there to
          save them.
Zapp:     Sorry, but the army's instituted a man-only policy.
Leela:    What?!
Zapp:     It's shameful, I agree. In the olden days I'd proudly fought
          alongside female troops. Shoulder to er... [Looks at Leela's chest]
          shoulder. Alas, after a series of deadly blunders caused by
          distracting low cut fatigues and lots of harmless pinching the army
          decided women weren't fit for service. Not when I'm in charge.
Leela:    You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.
Zapp:     If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy
          learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?
Kif:      Ah. Sexlexia.

The soldiers board and the ship leaves, knocking down one of posts. 

At the briefing.

Zapp:     Men, you are very lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your
          planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will
          be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They'll be the
          luckiest of all.
Bender:   Great, we're gonna die.
Fry:      And this hammed gum is all bones. [Spits]
Zapp:     And now to present the logistics of our mission, the commander-in-
          chief, please welcome the original Gerber baby, earth president,
          Richard M. Nixon. [Scattered applause]
Nixon:    This is the brass ring, fellows.

Kif pushes a button, bringing on a hologram that displays a planet.

Nixon:    Planet Spheron one.
Fry:      Cool effect.
Zapp:     It's a desolate, ugly little planet with absolutely no natural
          resources or strategic value. Questions?
Man:      Why is this God-forsaken planet worth dying for?
Zapp:     Don't ask me. You are the one who's going to be dying.
Fry:      Er, just so that we will know. Who's the enemy?
Zapp:     A valid question. We know nothing about their language, their
          history or what they look like. But we can assume this: they stand
          for everything we don't stand for. Also, they told me you guys look
          like dorks.
Bender:   They look like dorks! Argh! [Fry pulls him back and holds him]

In the training room.  Zapp observes the soldiers training from a booth.

They train to set up a tent. They take small pills and drop water on
them. The pills pop up to become tents.  Fry swallows a pill and drinks
the water.  The tent opens up in his mouth.  He mumbles.

Zapp:     What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue? Ha-ha-ha. Tent
          got your... Kif, write that down and send it to "Humor in uniform".

Later, soldiers assemble the guns. Bender throws it together
really quickly.  When he's done, it turns put he put his arm
instead of the gun's barrel.

Next Fry trains with lightsaber.  Kif releases the remote probe.
Fry swings the saber several times and finally hits the probe.
A bunch of candy falls out of it.  Others dive for it.

Then, the soldiers run the obstacle course.  Fry and Bender are
sitting on the bench.  At the finish one soldier passes everyone.

Fry: Whoa! Check out that guy.  He makes Speedy Gonzales look
     like regular Gonzales.

The soldier finishes first and stops, breathing heavily.

 Kif: That new recruit is phenomenal.
Zapp: Yes.  He edged out my old mark by 2 seconds.  And 16 minutes.
      And 12 hours.  I do plan to finish some day, Kif.

He walks up to the recruit.

Zapp: Good hustle, soldier.  [Pats him on the butt]

The soldier snaps and slaps Zapp.  At a closer look (but not apparent
to Zapp) it's Leela in disguise.

Leela:    [In altered voice] Eh, sorry, sir. I was still in attack mode. You
          know how testosterone is.
Zapp:     As a bubbling crackpot of male hormones I sure do. What's your name,
          private?
Leela:    Lee... la.. man. La man. Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.
Zapp:     Lemon, you're a man's man. Yore a man's man's man. And, more
          importantly, your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet
          child. What lotion do you use?
Leela:    Pert-n-Popular, sir.
Zapp:     Roger that. Kif, get me 10 cases of Pert-n-Popular.
Kif:      What shall I do with your Jergen, sir?
Zapp:     Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows. [Leela leaves]
          Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all
          my years of service. That young man fills me with hope. And some
          other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing.
Kif:      Ew!

At the lunchroom.  Zapp is looking at the soldiers through the binoculars.
He zeros in on Leela, who is sitting alone at the table.

Zapp: Hello.

Kif pours some wine in Zapp's glass and in Nixon's jar.  Nixon laps
at it with his tongue.

Nixon: Mmm ... that's a nice ros&ecute;.  So, anyway, we open up the
       panda crate and wouldn't you know it?  The damn thing's dead.
       Upchucked its bamboo.  True story.
 Zapp: Uh-huh.  Uh-huh.  That's whatever you were taking about for you.

Cut to Leela.  Fry, Bender and a couple of others walk to her table.

Fry:      Mind if we sit with you?
Leela:    Ah... hey, why the hell would I? We are all guys here. Sweaty,
          hairy, gassy guys.
Fry:      Good point. I guess.
Bender:   You are my kind of soldier, Lemon. A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested,
          beer-bellied pile of ugly muscles.
Man:      So, any of you fellows got a special lady back home?
Fry:      Well, I sort of have a thing for this girl I work with.
Leela:    [In her regular voice] Really? [Disguises it again] What type is he?
          Blond, or Chinese, or cyclops?
Fry:      Cyclops.
Leela:    Aw, she sounds sweet.
Bender:   But sweets girls aren't for you, eh? You hard fighting, hard farting,
          ugly, ugly son of a...
Leela:    Stop! Stop flattering me.

Zapp:     [Comes in] Ten hut! [Everybody stands up straight] Well, well, well.
          If it isn't Lee Lemon, the flaming star of Brannigan's rough rangers.
          Say, Lemon, do you like to read? I just got a great book on tape.
          It's about life in ancient Greece and... [Alarm blares. Everyone
          runs off]
Leela:    Sir! The alarm. I think I better...
Zapp:     Shh! [Puts his finger on Leela's lips] Don't talk. Just go.

At the briefing room.

Nixon:    We are now in position above Spheron 1. This is the moment we were
          training for all yesterday afternoon.
Zapp:     And now for the battle plan. As you all know, the key to victory is
          the element of surprise. [Hits a button] Surprise!

The floor opens down.  They all fall through to the planet's surface.

[End of Act One.  Act Time: 8:24 Running Time: 8:24]

On the planet surface.  The soldiers look around, expecting the worst.

Fry:      It's creepy here.
Man:      This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry:      And then the battle's not so bad?
Man:      Oh, right. I forgot about the battle. [Whimpers]

The ground suddenly starts shaking.

  Fry: What's happening?
Man 1: Holy shoot!  Looky!

A horde of pink balls approaches.

Fry: The enemy!  They are balls!

The balls bounce to them start knocking people down.  Soldiers start
shooting.  One ball gets hit and deflates like a balloon.

Fry shoots, but the laser from his gun falls right down to his feet.

Leela: Charge your gun, Fry.
  Fry: Oh, right.

Spins the handle on the gun, which plays "Pop Goes the Weasel" as it
recharges.  Once done, Fry shoots up.  Horse neighing is heard.

Zapp: [Sitting on a horse which stand on hover platform] Watch where
      you're shooting, private. You spooked Felicity. [Hugs the horse]
      There, there, boy.

The balls knock down several other soldiers and start bouncing on them.
Leela runs to one and kicks aside all the balls bouncing on him.

Man:      [To Bender] Give this to my son. [Hands him a watch]
Bender:   You got it. [Takes the watch]
Man:      Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives.
Bender:   Hey, I think your son might also like those boots. [Reaches
          for them]

The battle continues.  Several people recharge their guns.

Man: [To Fry] Cover us, buddy! You've got the only winded up positron
     shooter.

Fry whimpers.  Several balls approach.  He screams, shoots a hole in the
ground before himself and hides in it.

Man: Fry, you emu-bellied coward!

The balls knock him down.  The others get Leela and Bender as well.
Several balls get in line to push a bomb.  The bomb rolls to Leela,
Bender and the other soldier.  They scream.  Bender crawls towards the
bomb and opens his body compartment.

   Fry: Bender, no!
Bender: They put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Bender.
        [Covers the bomb with his body]

A muffled explosion follows.  Bender's body expands about twice.

At the hospital camp.  M*A*S*H theme music plays.

Announcer: Incoming wounded. All personnel report to operating tent 4.
           Repeat, 4. I mean 5. Repeat, 4.

Two doctors carry the wounded to the operating room.

Fry looks into the operating room through the window.  Inside, Zoidberg
prepares for the operation.

Nurse:    Are you ready to operate, doctor?
Zoidberg: [Washing his claws] I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.
          [Laughs] I kid, I kid.

The nurse puts on his gloves, they rip on his claws.

Other doctors operating. Zoidberg's starting his.

Zoidberg: Scalpel.  Blood bucket.  Priest.  Next patient.
   iHawk: Gee, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
   Nurse: Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone, he has twice the training you do.
   iHawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.  [Laughs.]
          [His patient laughs in his sleep as well.]
Zoidberg: Oh, see, this is how it starts.  First with the jokes, then
          comes the heavy stuff.

iHawk flips the switch on his body from "IRREVERENT" to "MAUDLIN".

   iHawk: When will the killing end?

Outside, Zapp rides by on a horse which is on a hover platform.

Zapp:     Look at this sissy, Kif. While others were fighting and dying
          pointlessly, he was hiding in a hole, wallowing in a pool of his
          own cowardice.
Fry:      That wasn't cowardice.
Zapp:     I'm depromoting you, soldier. [To Kif] Kif, what's most humiliating
          job there is?
Kif:      Being your assistant.
Zapp:     Wrong! Being YOUR assistant. [To Fry] Private Fry, you shall
          henceforth serve as Kif's assistant.
Fry:      That doesn't sound too bad.
Fry:      You speak when I tell you to, you filthy worm!

Inside the operating room.

Zoidberg: I'm afraid he's gone. [Covers the patient with a sheet]
Patient:  Whoa, doc, I ain't dead.
Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I am the doctor.
iHawk:    Believe it all you want. That won't make it true. [Laughs]
          [Flips the switch to MAUDLIN] This isn't a war, it's a murder.
          [Back to IRREVERENT. Now cheerfully] This isn't a war, it's a moider.

The nurse brings in Bender.

Zoidberg's
patient:  Bender, old buddy, hang in there.

The nurse gets him a beer dropper.

Zapp:     Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease
          on it. I hereby order that in Bender's honor he be melted down and
          made into a statue of himself.
Nixon:    Slow down there, Starsky. I'm up to something here. I want this
          robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. Damn bean-
          eating war hero.
Nurse:    [To iHawk] Are you ready to operate, doctor?
iHawk:    I'd love to, but first I need to perform surgery. [Laughs]
Zoidberg: That's my joke! I'll kill you [Runs to iHawk]

At the officer's club.  Zapp and Nixon at the table.

  Zapp: [Drinking]  Ahh!  Pre-war scotch.

Bender rolls in on wheels attached to his sides.

  Zapp: Welcome, Lieutenant Bender.  You are looking sharp.
Bender: [Stands up]  I got wheels.  With clickety-clackers.
        [Spins his wheels]

Kif brings Zapp another glass.

Zapp:     Damn it, Kif. Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it a
          scotch on the rocks!
Kif:      Actually, sir... [Zapp puts the glass in Kif's head] ooh.
Zapp:     Make me a new one.

Kif walks to the bar where Fry is wiping glasses.

Kif:      Use a brush, dunderhead. And mix these mixed nuts! I see two almonds
          touching!

Back at the table.

Nixon:    Now listen here, Bender. This war is in danger of goin all quagmire
          on me. So I'm sending you on one last mission.
Bender:   Hot diggity daffodil!
Nixon:    A mission of peace.
Bender:   Aw...
Zapp:     You'll be negotiating with aliens' mysterious leaders, the brain
          balls. They got a lot of brains and they got a lot of chutzpah.
Nixon:    Accompanying you will be out top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.

Kif rolls in Kissinger's head in a jar on a cart

Kissinger: How are you.
Bender:   Is he any good?
Nixon:    Looking like that he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough 
          said.

The chopper with Bender and Kissinger takes off.

At the showers.

Nixon:    [Singing] I'm so dizzy my head is spinning. Like a whirlpool, it
          never ends.

Zapp is in the next stall. Kif is rubbing his back with a brush from the
next stall.

Zapp:     A little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot lower. Too low! Lower.

Fry in the meantime washes Kif with a brush from outside, keeping his eyes
closed.

Fry:      [Singing] I'm walking on sunshine... O-o-o.. [Hums]

Leela comes in wearing a bathrobe.  She sees what's happening, gasps and
starts to leave.

Zapp:     Private Lemon! [Gets out of his stall] No need to leave. My stall
          just became free.
Leela:    Maybe you should put on a towel, sir.
Zapp:     Right, right.

Leela quickly runs into the stall and closes the door.

Zapp:     [With towel on his head now] I'm about to try the new lotion you
          recommended. If I should accidently put too much on my hands
          perhaps I could rub it onto you. [Leela holds her vomiting]
Nixon:    Brannigan! My God, cover yourself! I didn't live a thousand years
          and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo.
Zapp:     Sorry, Mr. President. I didn't realize. Kif, raise him up about
          nipple high.
Nixon:    Come on, Brannigan. Stuff yourself into a uniform. We've got to get
          off this planet before the bomb goes off.
Leela:    Bomb?! What bomb?
Zapp:     The one we had the doctors implant in that gullible Bender robot.

Fry gasps.  A mule standing next to him kicks, knocking down all the
stalls.  Leela barely manages to cover herself with a towel.  Zapp
looks at her and hmms.

Nixon: Zapp.  Zapp!  Inspect the troops later.  It's time to activate
       the bomb.

Zapp takes out the remote from his pocket and pushes a button.

At the negotiation.

Kissinger: Now, as for economical operation...

Something beeps inside Bender as his antenna flashes.

   Bender: Ooh.  Excuse me.  [Taps on his chest]

Ticking is now heard from inside him.

[End of Act Two.  Act Time: 6:50 Running Time: 15:14]

At the camp.

Announcer: Attention! All personnel evacuate the planet immediately. And not
          just because it's meatloaf night.
Zapp:     Come along, Lemon, before this whole dump blows up.
Leela:    Uh, commander, could you tell me when the bomb is exploding?
Zapp:     Of course, my significant soldier. The bomb is voice-activated. It
          will detonate the instant the robot unwitting speaks a certain word.
Fry:      What's the word, er.. sir!
Zapp:     It's the one word the robot uses more than any other. We got it from
          this convenient database of his ten most frequently used words.

Takes out his palmtop and pushes a button.  "Top 10" intro plays, and the
words "BENDER'S TOP TEN" float out, spinning.  Then they move to the top
left corner and an addition "MOST FREQUENTLY UTTERED WORDS" appears.

Zapp:     Number 10. Chump. Number 9. Chumpette. Number 8. Yours. Number 7.
          Up. Number 6. Pimpmobile. Number 5. Bite. Number 4. My. [Leela
          gasps] Number 3. Shiny. Number 2. Daffodil. And Bender's number 1
          most frequently uttered word, the word which if uttered will blow up
          this entire planet: [Drum roll] ass! [Fry and Leela gasp]
Fry:      We don't have long!

At the negotiation room.

Brainball: We demand bouncing, followed by rolling, followed by rolling of
          the third type.
Kissinger: Say what?
Bender:   My chair's too hard. It's a real pain in the... um... what do you
          call it? Lower back! Yeah, that whole region.

At the camp everybody's evacuating.  The choppers take off and head to the
main ship.  Fry hides behind barrels and watches the choppers leave.

Fry:      Okay. I gotta break down that gate, beat up those three guards,
          steal that chopper and rescue Bender.

Leela appears, kicks down the gate and swiftly knocks out the guards.

Fry:      Hey, I did it. Wait, that's not me.
Leela:    [Looks back at him] Come on! We gotta save Bender.
Fry:      You wanna save him too, Lemon? You barely know him.
Leela:    Fry, don't you recognize me?
Fry:      [Squints and looks in her face] Hermes?

Zapp:     Lee! When will I see you again? Uh! [Sees Leela and Fry holding
          hands] The two of you are good friends? But I thought we would be
          good friends. Well, let's how friendly you get when you are sharing
          a prison cell! [Takes out laser handcuffs]

Leela punches him in the stomach. He squeals like a pig and drops the
cuffs.  Leela punches him several more times and finally kicks him,
sending him to the ground.

Leela:    Hey, Zapp!
Zapp:     Eh?

Leela takes off her disguise, smiling widely.

Zapp:     Leela!
Fry:      Leela!
Zapp:     So it's you I've been attracted to. Oh, God, I've never been so
          happy to be beaten up by a woman.
Leela:    Let's do it again sometime. [Shuts the chopper door]

At the negotiation.

Brainball: The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three
          meters in the air, then he bounced 1.8 meters in the air, then, he
          bounced 4 meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?
Kissinger: Mister ambassador, our people tell the same story. Oy.
Bender:   Argh! These balls are making me testy! If they don't stop bouncing
          and jiggling I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty up their... wait
          a second. Where do you shove things up a ball?
Kissinger: This isn't a productive area of discussion.

The chopper approaches the negotiation room.

Leela:    We're here. I followed the bouncing balls. I'll keep the chopper at
          a safe altitude while you parachute down.
Fry:      Okay, my best friend's life is at stake. I can finally prove that 
          I'm not a coward. [Puts on a helmet] Will you push me?
Leela:    I already did. [Camera moves away to show that Fry's already in a
          free fall]
Fry:      Thank you!

He pulls on the cord, but he's already at the ground.  He falls face
down on it.  A swarm of balls surrounds him and start bouncing on
him.  When they scatter, Fry is riding one of the balls as if it's a
hoppity-hop.

Fry:      At last, war has made me into a man.  Whe-e-e-e!

At the negotiation.

Kissinger: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We've all
          seen too many body bags and ball sacks.
Brainball: We cannot condone bouncing of the 7th variety.
Bender:   Enough of this crap! I'm catching the next pimpmobile out of here.
          But before I go I have one thing to say [Climbs on the table and
          turns his back on the brainballs] Bite my shiny metal...
Fry:      [Rides into the room] Stop! You can't say the next word!
Bender:   Up yours, chump! I said it 906 times before lunch.
Fry:      Bender, if you say the A-word, you'll blow up this whole planet
          straight to the H-word. [Opens the door on Bender's body, revealing
          the bomb inside]
Bender:   Ooh.
Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero. And breath as fresh as a
          summer ham. [Fry smiles]

Bender starts laughing fiendishly.

Kissinger: What? What is funny?
Bender:   Bender's got the upper hand now. The name of the game is make Bender
          happy or he blows up the planet. [Everybody gasps] I'd rather die
          and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute listening
          to these idiots talk about bouncing.
Brainball: Please, stay calm. There's no need to bounce off the handle.
Bender:   That's it, I'm saying it! A is for a...
Brainball: Wait! Stop! We give in to all of Earth's demands! The war is over.
          Our home planet is yours.

Bender, Fry and Kissinger cheer.

Fry:      Hey, wait a minute. This is your home planet? We are the evil
          invading aliens?
Brainball: Correct.
Bender:   Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson: don't mess with Earth!
Brainball: May you bounce in peace.
Bender:   Get the hell off my planet!

The balls jump up and leave the planet.

The article titled "WAR OVER!" is presented (and subtitled Balls
Thoroughly Licked).

Back at Planet Express.  Professor is working on Bender.

Prof.:    Well, that's it. Let's reactivate him. Wake up! [Slaps him]
Bender:   [Wakes up and stretches] Hey, chumps and chumpettes. Did you get the
          bomb out? Can I go back to saying the word I love to say?
Zoidberg: I'm sorry, but we couldn't remove it.
Prof.:    It's stuck in there with glue or something, I don't know.
Bender:   Well, this is just great. What's the point of living if I can't say
          "ass"? [Gasps] Hey, I didn't blow up! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! All
          right! I'm back in the saddle.
Leela:    We couldn't disarm the bomb, so we reset the word that triggers it.
Amy:      It's from the list of words you almost never say.
Bender:   That's using your ass. So what's the word?
Hermes:   We think it's better if you don't know.
Bender:   Ow, come on. I'm not gonna say it. Please? Ooh! Is it "please"?
Fry:      Nope.
Bender:   Hmm... Words I never say... Oh, I know. Thanks!
Leela:    Bender, stop trying to destroy the world.
Bender:   Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it "sorry"? No. Wonderful! Hmm...
          Non-alcoholic?
Amy:      Quit it!
Fry:      Bender!
Hermes:   Stop it, mon!
Zoidberg: Enough already!
Bender:   Compassion. Shrimptoast. Antiquing? [Explosion] I'm all right.


[End of Act Three.  Act Time: 6:35 Running Time: 21:49]


Contributors

Capsule authored by "Me".

{}    "Me"
{jb}  Jeremy B
{jd}  Jym Dyer
{al}  Andrew Levine 
{jrm} JRM 
{lf}  Larry F
{f?}  Fraggler? 
{jk}  Joe Klemm 
{gl}  Georg Lukas 
{mz}  Michael Zaite 

TV Guide synopses by TV Guide

Opening Theme cartoon information from:
http://www.palmy.net.nz/futurama/opening/

The capsule has been compiled and the transcript written by Me whose name I prefer not to mention..

You can do whatever you want with this capsule, but be reasonable.