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A Head in the Polls Written by Stewart Burns
Directed by Bret Haaland
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Production code: 2ACV03 Original Airdate on FOX: 12-Dec-1999
TV Guide synopsis:
Bender pawns his body, which is bought by and attached to
a prominent head who uses his new mobility to run for
political office -- again.
Foxworld synopsis:
When Bender pawns his body, it gets a new owner: Richard
Nixon's head, who wants it for his attempt to be elected
President of Earth.
Opening theme promotion: FROM THE MAKERS OF FUTURAMA Opening theme cartoon: "Koko's Earth Control" (1927)
... the "You gotta do what you gotta do" man has 5 fingers in
"Decision 3000" sketch, but only 4 in "DISASTER" one?
Eric Sansoni:
... Bender reads a Playbot magazine?
Joe Klemm:
... among the heads in the Closet of President Losers is Rob Reiner?
... by 3000, the Vice President Debate would become a Snaps contest?
Jym Dyer:
... one of the green Green Party aliens looks like Kif's species?
... by astonishing coincidence, titanium is mined on Titan?
... Leela's bowling ball looks like cyclops eye?
... Bender's nightmare looks like a screenshot from The Matrix?
... Nixon says computers are only "twice as fast" as they were
in 1973? (Probably true, thanks to Microsoft software bloat.)
Fen Phen:
... the cage in the pawn shop is a reference to Super Mario
World for the SNES? The cage thing that the shop owner
stands behind is built like the chain-link structure Mario
can climb on that has rotating panels that flips him to the
other side. Note the gray chain-link and the red border
around the square.
- Starring
- Billy West (Fry, Dr. Zoidberg, Prof. Farnsworth, Nixon)
- Katey Sagal (Leela)
- John DiMaggio (Bender, Jack Johnson, John Jackson, NRA guy)
- Tress MacNeille (Linda, Nixon's campaign manager)
- Also Starring
- Maurice LaMarche (Morbo, Scary Door Serling-Like Narrator
and "Last Man on Earth" Actor, George Washington)
- Special Appearance by
- Claudia Schiffer
- Guest Starring
- Phil Lamarr (Hermes)
- David Herman (Dude for the Legalation of Hemp)
- Lauren Tom (Amy)
~ Hermans' Head (TV Series) {jd}
- One episode had the same title: "A Head In The Polls."
- A short-lived series with a cast that included Yeardley
Smith (the voice of Lisa Simpson) and Hank Azaria (who
does many voices on The Simpsons).
+ Twilight Zone (TV Series)
- The Scary Door TV show is a spoof
- "Time Enough At Last," a classic 1959 episode starring
Burgess Meredith {hl}
+ John Quincy Adams (U.S. President) {jk}
- John Quincy Adding Machine
+ Lexx {hl}
- Canadian sci-fi series starring a decapatitated
robot head named 790 who is even more saracastic
than Bender.
+ Watergate Break-In {jk}
- Break-in to regain Bender's body
+ Rocky and Bullwinkle (Animated TV Series) {l}
- Bullwinkle is in the "Bull Space Moose" booth. The Bull
Moose Party was a short lived minor party in the US.
Space Moose is a cartoon, but more intended for adults.
+ White Rabbit, by The Jefferson Airplane (Rock Song) {jd}
- Nixon sings it.
+ Gremlins (Movie) {rjm}
- Bender (or his head) drives a little car and crashes.
+ Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree (Song) {rjm}
- Bender says "Tie a yellow ribbon 'round your neck..."
+ Pulp Fiction (Movie)
- "Now, beat it, before I get Cambodian on your asses!"
+ The Simpsons
- [8F01] Marge snickers at the phallic Washington Monument.
- [4F02] In "Treehouse of Horror VII," an alien is elected
president and enslaves humanity. {rjm}
- [1ACV01] Nixon's head in a jar. {jd}
- Things flying by in The Scary Door intro:
- A stopclock going for 0:00:14 to 00:00:16
- A rotary phone
- An old shoe
- A guy washing his hair
- A bitten cooked cow leg
- At the registration, the sign outside:
VOTER REGISTRATRION
FIRST 100 CUSTOMERS
GET EXTRA VOTE
- The booths:
- TASTYCRATS
- FINGERLICANS
- ONE CELL, ONE VOTE
- GREEN PARTY
(with green aliens)
- BRAIN SLUG PARTY
- DUDES FOR THE LEGALATION OF HEMP
- BULL SPACE MOOSE PARTY
- N.R.A.
NATIONAL RAY-GUN ASSOCIATION
(Picture of a weird alien with a gun)
I'm The NRA.
- PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF HUMANS
(A Neptunian -- Elzar's race -- in the booth)
- VOTER APATHY PARTY
- ANTISOCIALISTS
- RAINBOW WHIGS
- Election coverage on TV:
CHANNEL
__
\/2
ELECTION
COVERAGE
?
(Picture of
"You gotta do
what you gotta
do" guy)
DECISION /
3000 [ \/ ]
!
(Same guy,
but now
he's scared)
DISASTER
- The pawn shop:
ROOK TAKES
PAWNSHOP
CASH ON THE SPOT
L LOANS
INSTANT O
CASH A
N
S
- Outside the Head Museum:
HEAD MUSEUM
1820-1887:
The Golden Age
of Muttonchops
- At the Head Museum. Sections (in order of increasing shabbiness):
- MOVIE STARS (Flashy sign.)
- Charlie Chaplin, Jack Nicholson, Clint Eastwood, Leonardo DiCaprio,
Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone
- B-MOVIE STARS (Less flashy sign.)
- John Turturro, Eric Stoltz, Mimi Rogers,
Martin Lawwrence, Elvis, Sarah Michelle Gellar
- PORN STARS (Glitzy sign with 1970s poster font.)
- Long D. Silver, Ron Jeremy, Traci Lords,
Jill Big Breasts, Samual Genitals
- TV STARS (Shabby paper sign with tears in it.)
- Jerry seinfeld, David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson,
Lucille Ball, Tim Allen, Katey Sagal
- SUPERMODELS (Not shabby.)
- Heidi Klum, Kate Moss, Rebecca Rom[obscured],
Laetitia Casta, Claudia Schiffer, Cathy Crawford
- Bender's nightmare:
- Mostly 1s and 0s, in the style of The Matrix
- A 2 appears in green at the bottom of the screen. {jsh}
- The sign at the debate:
TONIGHT
PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE
TOMORROW
VICE PRESIDENTIAL
"YOU MAMA SO FAT"
CONTEST
- Sign on Nixon's door:
(star)
RICHARD NIXON
WATCH
YOUR HAT
AND COAT
- In place of Lincoln Memorial:
FXJKHR
60th PRESIDENT
(Statue of
a horrible alien
eating a human,
with a pile of
skulls at his feet)
- Holiday Inn-style sign at Watergate:
Watergate
Hotel
COLOR
MATTRESS STAINS
- Bumper stickers on Bender's butt:
- NIXON'S HEAD'S THE ONE!
- IMPEACH THIS!
A reporter said that "nobody can be elected President more than
twice", but Nixon was running for President of Earth; had he
ever held that office before? (Or is there some law saying that
nobody who had been elected President of the United States twice
could be elected President of Earth?) {ddg}
- Earthlings are "Earthicans" in the future, and the Earthican
flag is a variation of the U.S. flag. Perhaps Americans have
taken over the planet, in which case the U.S. Constitution
would apply. {jd}
Eric Sansoni: This episode starts out as one of the best ever,
with one great satirical jab at U.S. politics after another,
then turns into a series of weird, amusing, well-animated
sight gags about Bender's disembodied head, and finally
becomes a wacky guest star ep. Some Nixon references are
splendid (his repeat customer discount at Watergate), but
Nixon would be a better character if he had the complex
humanity of the real man, rather than one-dimensional
villainy. Comedy thrives on the unexpected; casting Nixon
as a bad guy is predictable. Great early laughs and the
underlying plot about Bender's body make this entertaining,
but more political, less presidential satire could have
made it classic. (B+)
The Star-Ledger (a newspaper in the Mid-Atlantic states):
Sunday's Futurama on Fox was one of the funniest yet.
The plot had Richard Nixon -- who, in the year 3000,
is just a head in a jar -- appropiating the body of the
robot Bender and running for president against a couple
of look-alike human challengers. The digs at contemporary
political culture were sweet indeed. When Nixon's
truthfulness was challenged during a debate, he sweated
inside his Plexiglas head tank, just as the real Nixon
sweated during his 1960 televised match-up with JFK, and
there was a good bit where a newscaster announced that
Nixon's unexpected entry into the race had goosed voter
participation to its highest level in centuries: a
whopping six percent. The surreal humor was choice as
well -- especially Nixon's impulsive revelation that if
elected, he would "sell voters' children to zoos for meat"
and "break into their houses at night and trash their
stuff." This show just keeps getting better. (14-Dec-1999)
Haynes Lee:
FOLKLORE ALERT
From the Simpsons Folklore List:
[AABF07] Controversial `under 70' curfew law passed by one vote
because Homer didn't bother to vote.
U. Many important elections have been decided by one vote.
T. In an effort to impress upon her readers the importance of
casting their votes, Ann Landers passed along various `one
vote' canards her sister had run ten years earlier, riddled
with many historical inaccuracies, a.k.a. `One Vote Fallacies'.
NIXON REFERENCES:
- Checkers: his dog and subject of his famous speech.
- Watergate: hotel in which the breakin occurred.
- Nixon quote: "I am not a crook."
- "You won't have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore.
- Missing 30 seconds of the tapes that were erased.
ASIDE: in the Woody Allen movie Sleeper nothing was known about
Nixon as all records about him have been destroyed.
Larry:
That was 20 mins of erased tape. There is some talk that they may be
able to recover the audio.
Jym Dyer
- 1960 Debates: Nixon's shifty, sweaty performance.
- "Women's Libbers"/Betty Friedan: Nixon and the women's
movement weren't exactly friends.
- "Expletive Deleted:" Transcripts of Nixon's tapes use this
phrase to replace his frequent use of profanity.
- "Nixon's The One:" A campaign slogan that was revived during
the Watergate scandal.
A villainous Nixon has also been featured in The Simpsons
and Matt Groening's Life in Hell. He's not what you'd call
Groening's favorite President.
Robert J. Muldoon:
[Came later than the episode, but interesting coincidence] Planet
of the Apes (2001) and Jay and Silent Bob (comic, not the movie) --
FXJKHR Memorial either similar to or made from the Lincoln Memorial.
Nixon's new body is similar to a robot from some Japanese anime.
Someone here once said so.
Nadimo Nyth:
- It's very Gundam Wing style.
DVD Audio Commentary: As a child watching Nixon on TV, Billy West
feared that Nixon would turn into a werewolf. This inspired
the "aroo" sounds spoken by Nixon's head.
Fry and Bender are watching TV. The Scary Door show starts.
Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a
location -- the kind of place where there might be a monster,
or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It
could also be something much better. Prepare to enter...
The Scary Door.
Cut to the ruins.
Narrator: As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on
earth.
[The man goes into the public library.]
Man: Finally ... solitude. I can read books for all eternity.
[His glasses slip, fall down and break.]
It's not fair! It's not fair! [Calmly] Wait. My eyes
aren't that bad. I can still read the large-print books.
[His eyes fall out]
A-a-ah! It's not fair! [Calmly] Well, lucky I know how
to read Braille.
[His hands fall off]
A-a-ah!
[His tongue falls off. Then his head]
Hey, look at that weird mirror.
Fry shudders.
Bender: Cursed by his own hubris.
Leela: There's a political debate on. Quick, change the channel.
Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.
Leela changes the channel.
Announcer: C-span nine presents: The Thrill of Politics.
Cut to Bender and Fry snoring. Leela sighs, moves Fry and jumps on
the couch between them. They wake up.
Fry: Wha...?
Bender: Huh?
Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases, but this is important.
One of these two men will become president of the world.
Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States.
Leela: The United States is part of the world.
Fry: Wow, I have been gone a long time.
On the TV, candidate Jack Johnson is debating candidate John Jackson.
Johnson: It's time someone had the courage to stand up and say: I'm
against those things that everybody hates!
Jackson: Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But,
quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said!
Fry: These are the candidates? They sound like clones.
[Squints] Wait a minute. They are clones!
Leela: Don't let their identical DNA fool you. They differ on some
key issues.
Johnson: I say your three cent titanium tax goes too far!
Jackson: And I say your three cent titanium tax doesn't go too far
enough!
Fry: If I were registered to vote I'd send these clowns a message
by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown!
Leela: You're not registered?
Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated, either. Besides, it's not like one
vote ever made a difference.
Leela: That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly
one vote.
Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with
the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
Prof.: But, like most politicians he promised more than he could
deliver.
Leela: The point is, one vote can make a difference. And even
though it won't, I'm still taking you to get registered.
Prof.: Yes, that's a capital idea. Let's all go register.
Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
Prof.: The very instant I became old.
At the registration booths, the Professor looks over the
"Tasticrats" and "Fingerlicans."
Prof.: The problem with both parties is that they always want
to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks.
Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.
Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
Zoidberg: Really? I better keep an eye out at the next meeting.
Fry: What party do you belong to, Bender?
Bender: Eh, I'm not allowed to vote.
Fry: 'Cause you're a robot?
Bender: No. Convicted felon.
At the Brain Slug Party booth.
Woman: [With brain slug on her.] We favor unreasonably huge subsidies
to the Brain Slug Planet.
Fry: Okay, but what are the brain slugs who control you going to do
for the working man?
Woman: Attach brain slugs to them.
Fry: Sure, you say that now, ...
At the "Dudes for Legalation of of Hemp" booth.
Amy: So is it true you can make all kinds of shirts and ropes out of
hemp?
Dude: Dave's not here, man.
Amy: I also heard hemp makes great shampoo.
Dude: It does? No way!
[Looks at his own brochure]
I got to check out this brochure.
[Picks up a hamburger and takes a bite out of it]
Professor at the NRA booth.
Prof.: So, what are you doing to protect my constitutional right
to bear doomsday devices?
NRA Man: Well, first off, we're going to get rid of that three day
waiting period for mad scientists.
Prof.: Damn straight! Today the mad scientist can't get a doomsday
device, tomorrow, it's the mad grad student! Where will
it end?
NRA Man: Amen, brother! I don't go anywhere without my mutated
anthrax ... [winks conspiratorily] ... for duck huntin'.
At the "PEOPLE FOR ETHICAL TREATMENT OF HUMANS" booth.
Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute but how else are we supposed to
test cosmetics?
Hermes: [With brainslug on him] I concur.
At the "VOTER APATHY PARTY" booth.
Fry: Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up.
Man: [Apathetically] Sorry, not with that attitude.
Fry: Okay, then screw it.
Man: [Excited] Welcome aboard, brother!
Fry: [Cheerfully] All right!
Man: You're out.
Back at Planet Express.
Fry: That was pretty cool. I think I'm actually starting to
get interested in politics.
Leela turns on the political news. Fry and Bender instantly
fall asleep.
Linda: And so, with two weeks left in the campaign the question
on everyone's mind is who will be the next President of Earth:
Jack Johnson? or bitter rival John Jackson? Two terrific
candidates, huh, Morbo?
Morbo: All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.
Linda: [Laughs] Aw ... In other local news, disaster struck
on Saturn's moon of Titan today when a titanium mine collapsed,
trapping 1,000 robot workers.
Bender: [Wakes up] What? Lord have mercy!
Linda: Unless something is done quickly the trapped robots will be
dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue operations are planned?
PR Man: The plan is, basically, to pave over the area and get on with
our lives.
Bender: [Gasps]
Morbo: News of the mine's closing sent titanium prices skyrocketing.
Bender: All right! I'm rich!
Leela: What are you talking about?
Bender: My body's 40% titanium. I'm finally richer than those snooty
A.T.M. machines.
Fry: Too bad you can't spend it.
Bender: Oh, can't I?
Fry: No.
Bender: Watch me, poor man.
At the pawnshop.
Shopkeeper: Pleasure doin' business with you.
He carries out Bender's head with a mouthful of cash and puts it
on the sidewalk.
Bender: [Laughs] Game's over, losers! I have all the money.
Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.
[A dog sniffs him]
Hey, get away! Shoo! I'll give you $5 to not do what
you're thinking about doing.
[The dog groans and raises its leg.]
You just lost $5.
[End of Act One. Act Time: 6:50 Running Time: 6:50]
Bender: [To a passerby] Hey, buddy! Little help?
[The passerby kicks him]
Thank you!
Bender's head flies to Planet Express through the window, ricochets
off the opposite wall and lands on the meeting table.
Bender: Hello, peasants.
Leela: Bender! What happened to you?
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body. [Spits the cash from his mouth]
Prof.: Sold your body?! Oh, Bender, I've been down that road.
I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll
end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and
skintight pants.
Fry: This is crazy, Bender, how are you going to live without
a body?
Bender: [Blows raspberry] Bodies are for hookers and fat
people. All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped
around it.
Fry: Well, at least now you can pay off your loan shark.
Bender: Yeah, right, what's he going to do, break my legs?
Bender relaxes in a pool.
Bender: Ah, this is the life! Another martini please!
A servant picks up his head, takes off the antenna and pours the
drink right into the top of Bender's head.
Bender: [Mimicking 007] Shaken, not stirred.
[The servant shakes him up] Oh, yeah!
At the roulette wheel in a casino casino.
Bender: Put it all on black.
Fry does so, knocking Bender's head into the roulette wheel.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Croupier: 21 Red.
[Bender moves over]
I beg your pardon ... 33 black.
Bender: Yes! The rich get richer.
At the bowling alley. Leela gets her bowling ball. The ball looks
like her eye: big, white and with one little black dot. Fry rolls
Bender's head. He gets a strike.
Bender: Strike! In your face, Leela! [Laughs]
Sound of a bowling ball rolling is heard. Leela's ball hits Bender
right in the face (where else?).
Bender: Ow!
At Planet Express. Nibbler runs away from something in panic. It
turns out to be Bender's head in a minicar. Bender drives through
Planet Express, everyone jumps out of his way, until finally he hits
the Professor.
Prof.: Ow!
Bender: Timber! [The professor goes down like a cut tree]
Fry: Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your car?
Bender: Maybe if you clean up first. It looks like your neck stepped in
something. Oh, I'm sorry. That's just your body. [Laughs]
Fry: Hey, you look me in the shins and say that.
Bender: Hey, I've had it up to here with this place. I'm off to the
Head Museum to hang out with classy heads like me who appreciate
the finer things: poetry, ... philosophy, ... hats. So long,
coffin-stuffers!
Starts going, but loses control and crashes his car.
Bender: Could one of you coffin-stuffers please carry me?
At the Head Museum.
Bender: Now, which group of heads is good enough for me to hang out
with? What do you think, Fry? Fry?
Fry is at the supermodels section.
Fry: Mmm...
Claudia: Hi. I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
Fry: I recognize you. Didn't you used to have a body of some sort?
Claudia: Yeah, but it was holding me back. You know, I just did the
cover of the Sports Illustarted swim cap issue.
Fry: Rowrr! Well, you're looking great.
Claudia: Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, though.
Fry: Couldn't hurt.
They enter the Hall of Presidents.
Bender: Ah, U.S. Presidents! Sturdy shelves, good security ...
[Pan to two Secret Service guard heads on top shelves]
This place has class.
Clinton: [To Leela] Hey, sugar cookie! You know, legally,
nothing I can do counts as sex anymore.
Ford: I apologize for his rudeness, ma'am. He gets this way
around meaty-looking women.
Fry: [To Clinton] Hey, I remember you. I was going to
vote for you one time. But voting isn't cool, so I
stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine.
[Deleted Dialogue (from DVD)]
Bush: Not cool? What about that groovy "Rock the Vote" on
the MTV with the teens?
Fry: Ehh. I was more of a VH-1 guy.
Carter: Lo-o-oser!
[End of Deleted Dialogue]
Ford: Frankly, I've never felt voting to be all that essential
to the process.
Nixon: No kidding, Ford.
Bender: [To Washington] So then the hookerbot says, "That's
not my expansion slot." And my friend says, "That's
not my gold-plated 25-pin connector." [Laughs]
Washington: [Laughs] Oh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh
me up.
Bender: You know, I like it here. What's the rent on one of these
jars?
Bush Sr.: Sorry, Bender, but we can't allow every Tom, Dick and Harry
to move in. No offense, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.
Carter: Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the closet of
presidential losers.
Dole: Bob Dole needs company. Larouche won't stop with the
knock-knock jokes.
Bender: Pass.
Washington: So telleth, Bender, what hath happened to your body?
Bender: I hocked it.
Washington: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth.
Washington: Ah, booze money.
-- History lesson, "A Head in the Polls"
Nixon: I remember my body. Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with
phlebitis. A good Republican body. God, I loved it.
Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body.
Of course, it was tough love... [Leela elbows his ribs]
Leela: Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to
hear about your ding-dong.
Bender: So, Nixon, even if you miss your body, being a head's great,
too, right?
Nixon: No, son. It's a sad and lonely life.
Bender: Oh, great. Now you tell me.
Nixon: That's my style. I like to kick 'em when they're down.
At the Robot Arms apartments. Bender tosses around in his bed,
muttering. He dreams a bunch of ones and zeros, and a two.
Bender: Ones ... zeros ... one ... zero ... A-a-ah!
[He wakes up]
Fry: Bender, what is it?
Bender: Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeroes everywhere. And I
thought I saw a two.
Fry: It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two.
Bender: I know what this is about. My body loved me and I turned its
back on it. Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon 'round your
neck, 'cause I'm a-comin' home.
At the pawnshop.
Bender: You sold my body?! To who?!
Shopkeeper: I can't reveal that information. But you look like a nice
robot. Tell you what: I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid.
Fry: Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks.
Shopkeeper: Deal.
Back at Planet Express, Fry is undressed.
Bender: [Cries] How could I let this happen? I can't go
through the rest of my life like this.
Prof.: Don't you have a self-destruct button?
Bender: Yeah ... but it's on my body. What am I going to do?
Fry: Uh, I can't stand to see a robot cry. Let's watch TV.
There's more political stuff on the TV.
Nixon: And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing my head into the
ring. I'm announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of Earth.
[Reportors clamor]
Reporter: Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the Constitution clearly
states that nobody can be elected President more than twice.
Nixon: That's right ... no body. But as you can plainly see,
I've got a shiny new body. [Performs a dance]
Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.
Leela: Bender, he's got your body!
Bender: That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off
with Richard Nixon!
[End of Act Two. Act Time: 6:57 Running Time: 13:47]
Leela: Nixon must have bought your body from the pawnshop.
Fry: Yeah, and that electric guitar.
Nixon: [On TV, signing] Remember what the doormouse said/Feed
your head ... [Stops singing] I'm meeting you halfway,
you stupid hippies. [Crowd cheers] I am not a crook's head!
Bender: Yeah, you are. You stole my body. Fry, Leela, you got to
help me.
Leela: Ordinarily, I'd say no and lecture you on how this is your
own fault for being such an idiot, but when a robotic Nixon
is on the loose, we have a duty to take action. ... Idiot.
The ship lands at Washington, DC, by the Washington Monument.
There's identical but taller Clinton Monument is nearby.
At the presidential debate.
Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates. Puny human number
one, puny human number two, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.
Nixon: Hello, Morbo. How's the family?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
Nixon: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
[Audience cheers]
Nixon takes a baby out of his torso, kisses it, and puts it back.
Bender: Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff.
Leela: Come on. We've got to find some way to talk to him.
They exit the debate room.
Morbo: Morbo demands an answer to the following question: "If you saw
delicious candy in the hands of a small child, would you seize
and consume it?"
Johnson: Unthinkable!
Jackson: I wouldn't think of it!
Morbo: What about you, Mr. Nixon? I remind you, you are under a
Truth-O-Scope.
Nixon: Uh, well, uh ... the question is, is vague. You don't say what
kind of candy. Uh, whether anyone is watching ... [Clears
his throat] At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm the child.
[Truth-O-Scope beeps and scribbles a wide graph]
At the Nixon private room.
Campaign
Manager: You scored big points tonight, sir.
Nixon: What are you talking about? They ate me alive out there.
Campaign
Manager: Yes, but your body stayed on message. And that message is,
"look at my shiny new body." The robots ate it up. You've
got real charisma from the neck down.
Nixon: Nixon with charisma? My God! I can rule the universe!
Box opens up behind Nixon's back and Fry, Leela and Bender pop out.
Bender: Give me my body back, you two-bit thief!
Nixon: Now, look here, you drugged-out communist, I paid for this
body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little
cocker spaniel dog, Checkers.
Checkers: [His head, in a jar, barks]
Nixon: Shut up, damn it!
Fry: Please, Mr. Nixon, we're appealing to your sense of decency.
[Everyone laughs, except Fry]
Nixon: Seriously, though, I'm never giving back this body. Now,
beat it, before I get Cambodian on your asses!
Later, outside.
Bender: [Cries] It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my
head for the five-cent deposit.
Fry: No way. I'm not letting my best friend get recycled ... not
for five cents, not for 500 cents. Leela, I've got a plan.
Leela: I've got a better plan.
At Watergate hotel. Leela and Fry in catburglar outfits,
sneaking in.
Fry: Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate?
Leela: They give you a discount if you've been here before.
Leela shoots a grappling hook. The hook walks to a tube on the roof, grabs
on to it and tugs the rope twice. Cut to Leela, climbing with strain.
Fry: Keep going. We're right behind you.
Pan to Fry and Bender just hanging off her back.
Bender looks into a hotel room window.
Bender: Whoa, mama. Get a room, you two.
Man: We're in a room!
Bender: Well, then, lose some weight.
Leela finally pulls Fry to the top. They look inside Nixon's room.
Nixon's asleep on a couch.
Nixon: [Asleep] Oh, yeah, you women's libbers really know how
to party.
Bender: [To his body] Psst, there I am.
Leela starts carefully unscrewing Nixon's head off the body.
Nixon snores.
Nixon: [Asleep] Hey Betty Friedan, send a little of that lotion
my way.
Leela: Okay, almost got it. Steady ... steady ... don't panic ...
Fry is resting on a bed nearby. He looks at a gizmo next to
the bed. It's called "MAGIC TENTACLES".
Fry: Ooh...
The device activates. The sign on it says "Thought activated".
Tentacles grab Fry and bang him against the bed. Nixon wakes up.
Leela look angrily at Fry.
Nixon: Huh? What the ...? You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve.
Bender: I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck.
Nixon: Bring it on, soup can. [Growls]
Bender also growls and they start slowly crawling towards
each other.
Leela: [Grabs them both] All right, break it up, you two.
[Puts them both on the couch]
Nixon: That's it! You're all going to jail, and don't expect me to
grant a pardon, like that sissy Ford.
Leela: You'll never pardon anybody, because you'll never get elected
president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they
were back in your time.
Nixon: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as
fast as they were in 1973, but your average voter is as drunk and
stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become
bitter -- and let's face it, crazy -- over the years, and once
I'm swept into office I'll sell our children's organs and I'll go
into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.
[Laughs fiendishly]
Fry: Well, he lost my vote.
Nixon: Like one vote ever made a difference. Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm going to inch myself over to the phone and call the police.
[Starts slowly skipping towards the phone]
Bender: Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with ... audio tape?
[Tape rewinding sounds]
Nixon: Uh-oh, I don't like where this is heading.
Bender: [Replaying] "... and I'll go into people's houses at
night and wreck up the place. [Laughs fiendishly]"
Nixon: My God, I really sound like that? I thought my voice had
more of a Clark Gable quality.
Leela pushes on Bender's antenna and the tape pops out of
Bender's mouth.
Leela: The jig's up, Nixon. We'll trade you the tape for the body.
Nixon: Oh, expletive deleted. You've got a deal.
Fry: Hey, I've got one last thought ...
The tentacles activate and rough him up some more.
Back at Planet Express. Everyone is at the TV.
Bender: Ah, it's good to be back in one piece again ... except I can't
get these damn bumper stickers off.
He tries in vain to reach the Nixon stickers.
Linda: The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to
its highest level in centuries: six percent.
Morbo: Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with an
estimated zero votes.
Leela: Yes! The system works.
Linda: The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening ... and
the robot vote is in. Nixon has won!
Fry: Ooh ...
Leela: Oh, no!
Bender: Get out of town!
Fry: Why would robots vote for Nixon wow that he's just a head in
a jar?
On TV. At Nixon's campaign headquarters.
Campaign
Manager: I give you the next President of Earth!
Nixon walks out with his head on a giant robot body.
Nixon: Nixon's back! [Crowd cheers]
Prof.: I can't believe it. He won by a single vote.
Bender: Well, it ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting felon, thank you.
Fry: Well, it's not my fault, either, 'cause I forgot to vote.
Leela: Oh crud, I knew there was something I meant to do today.
Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May
death come quickly to his enemies.
Linda: [Laughs]
Nixon marches to the White House, wreaking havoc on the way.
Nixon: Who's kicking who around now? [Growls, howls and sputters.
Hail To The Chief plays] Knock, knock. [Punches a hole in
the White House wall. Laughs deliriously]
[End of Act Three. Act Time: 8:04 Running Time: 21:51]
Capsule originally authored by "Me."
{} "Me"
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{jd} Jym Dyer
{jsh} Jonathan S. Haas
{jk} Joe Klemm
{l} Larry
{hl} Haynes Lee
{rjm} Robert J. Muldoon
{es} Eric Sansoni
TV Guide synopses by TV Guide
Opening theme cartoon information from:
http://www.palmy.net.nz/futurama/opening/
The capsule has been compiled and the transcript written by Me whose name I prefer not to mention.
You can do whatever you want with this capsule, but be reasonable.