|
========================================================================
============= THE FUTURAMA CHRONICLES ==== EPISODE CAPSULE =============
========================================================================
Official Title: Love's Labors Lost in Space
Episode Number: 1ACV04 (#4)
First Airdate : Tuesday, April 13th, 1999 (8:30 PM)
Written by : Brian Kelley
Directed by : Brian Sheesley
========================================================================
= Additional tidbits =
Opening theme promotion : presented in
BC[brain control]
where avaliable
Opening theme cartoon : "The Wacky Wabbit" {pm2} (1942)
Subsequent Fox Airdates : 27-Jun-99, 22-Aug-99
28-Mar-99 Nielsen ranking: 3rd in its timeslot (7.4 million viewers)
{dga}
27-Jun-99 Nielsen ranking: 5.0% of audience (#57 for the night)
22-Aug-99 Nielsen ranking: 5.0% of audience (#57 for the night)
MPAA rating : TV-PG-DS
Length minus commercials : [21:08]
========================================================================
= Foxworld Synopsis =
While on a mission to save all the animals on a planet verging on
collapse, Leela encounters Capt. Zapp Brannigan, a self-proclaimed
ladies' man looking to add Leela to his list of conquests.
========================================================================
= Minutiae =
- The piano in the restaurant (Leela & guy w/snake-tongue) is a mirror
image. Low notes to right, hight notes to left -- based on profile
of the raised lid. Also, the lid is raised on the right side. {mp}
- The piano is played by a robot with four arms.
- It may have been obvious to some people, but I didn't see the pun in
"The Hip Joint" until watching it for the 100th time!
- The waitresses at The Hip Joint carry trays that hover over their
hands.
- Gaydar has a pink receiver. {hl}
- Only Leela and Bender don't go home with someone. Amy goes with the
M5438, Fry with the 21st century woman, and the Doctor the Lobster.
And at least Bender goes to a saucy puppet show ... {jr}
- They still have taxes and charitable writeoffs. {hl}
- Zapp Branigan's ship is called the "Nimbus." {sv}
- The "doop" banner in Branigan's dining area is the same upside-down
and rightside-up. {jk}
- Democratic Order Of Planets acronym DOOP sounds like Dupe. {hl}
- If you look at the bench in the cell (after Fry, Bender, and Leela
have been arrested), Fry's doggie bag has been wrapped up into a duck
like you would get at an expensive restaraunt. {dcm}
- Zapp, like a good Scotsman, doesn't any wear any underwear under his
tunic. {hl}
- The outfit suggested for Leela has nothing covering the pubic area.
- Did you notice the captain's portrait? {jmg}
- The candles in Zapp's "Lovenasium" are melted after the commercial
break.
- The prisoner holding cell's force field retains gases. (The steam
remains confined until Kif opens up the chamber.) {mp}
- The doomed planet cracks when the spaceship lands on it. {jk}
- Vergon 6 has moons and/or suns. {mp}
Large: blue, white, purple
Medium: white
Small: blue
- The planet still has some stalagmites and stalactites inside. {jmg}
- As the crew sets foot on Vergon 6's surface, Bender's feet are
partially submerged in the ground.
- There actually seems to be 1 of each alien animal in the cargo bay,
not 2, so it doesn't really matter if they all get eaten. Unless,
they're all like the hermaphlamingos ... {jr}
- It was kind of irresponsible of the crew to just stick all the
animals into a big cargo bay together. They should've anticipated
some inter-species aggresiveness.
- Nibbler gives Leela the cutest little shrug when she asks him if he
made that pile of starship fuel.
- After planet implosion, hard to say what survives, but one looks like
sharktopus. {mp}
- The final scene takes place on April 13th. The episode first aired
on April 13th, 1999. Hmmm.
========================================================================
= Parallels to Science Fiction =
+ "Alien" (movie)
- There is a scene at the end where Leela is sitting in her panties
and tanktop while Nibbler is sitting in her lap. Except for her
diary entry, it is very reminiscent of the end of "Alien"
where
Ripley and her cat are getting ready to go into hibernation for the
trip back to Earth. {rd}
~ "The Jetsons" (TV show)
- The "Hip Joint" looks a lot like something from the Jetsons.
{jr}
+ "Lost In Space" (TV show/movie)
- Title: "Love's Labors Lost in Space" {jk}
+ "Star Trek" (TV show/movies/novels)
- The original series uniforms were made of velour. {zz}
- Prime Directive / Brannigan's Law. {hl}
- Expendable crew members. {hl}
- M-5438 looks like various Star Trek entities. {hl}
- Zapp confuses poker with chess (favorite Kirk analogy). {hl}
- Captain's Log. {jk}
+ "Star Wars IV" (movie)
- The planet hologram from the attack on the Deathstar briefing,
and the Dark Matter hologram is I believe the targetting computer
of the Millenium Falcon. {jr}
- The crew escapes as Vergon 6 self-destructs, similar to the
Deathstar exploding.
+ "Star Wars VI" (movie)
- I think that the hologram of Vergon 6 looks a lot more like the
hologram for Endor in Star Wars VI. Both were green, translucent,
and orbited slowly. {sam}
~ "Terminator" (movie)
- Cyborgs in 21st century. {hl}
~ "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (novels)
- Planet Vergon 6 sort of rhymes with Vogon Ship. {mp}
========================================================================
= Other References =
+ "The Art of War" (historic text)
- Zapp mentioned Sun Tzu's "The Art of War." I read in school
that
that book was writtin in 500 BC! How the hell did Zapper know
'bout that? {trl}
+ "Big Books" (book series)
- Zapp shows his book "The Big Book of War." This may be
a reference
to (DC Comics offshot) Paradox Press' series of "Big Books,"
like
"The Big Book of Death," "The Big Book of Conspiracies,"
"The Big
Book of Freaks," "The Big Book of Scandals," and many
more. Very
fine books, if I may say so. {pdm}
~ "Chockey" (British childrens' show)
- In it, a boy, and later a girl, communicates to an alien life form
that, to the viewers, is a green ball of energy, just like M-5438.
{jk}
+ JFK's Presidential Portrait
- The captain's portrait looks very similar in pose. {jk}
+ "Love's Labors Lost" (Shakespeare play)
- Title: "Love's Labors Lost in Space" {dj}
+ "Noah's Ark" (story)
- Saving animals from doomed planet. {hl}
- Gaelic folklore about unicorn missing the ark. {hl}
~ "Ren & Stimpy" (TV series)
- The exotic landscape of Vergon 6 reminds me of an episode in which
the duo are trapped in another dimension.
+ Surround Sound
- "Brain Control" in the changing title under "Futurama."
{jk}
========================================================================
= Freeze Frame Fanaticism =
>> Small sign outside "The Hip Joint"
TEN DRINK
MINIMUM
>> Animals on Leela's clipboard {mp}
- Purple Fruit Snake (8 eyes)
Sharktopus
Chilean Space Bass
Parasatic Puppy
Gretchen Mole
- Windy Shrimp
Vampire Slug
Excommunicated Cardinal
- Four-legged mimic
Molotov Cocatoo
Hermaphlamingos
========================================================================
= Goofs =
- Leela and Doug had already finished their meal. How come Leela
didn't notice his lizard-tounge until now?
- The medal Zapp displays is not worn moments earlier. {mp}
- The lever controlling Zapp's "motorbed" disappears.
- Nibbler's third eye shrinks after he's first introduced.
- A greater variety of animals are seen in the Planet Express cargo
hold. {mp}
- Nibbler dropped his pellet in a litterbox that appeared from nowhere.
{sp} [Well, maybe they figured the other animals could take turns
using it on the return trip. :) {cw}]
- At the end, Leela's writing her "Captain's Dairy" with Nibbler
on her
lap. When the camera pans up, we see her right arm, and she doesn't
have her wrist comm. Then, we get a general view, and she is wearing
it again. {lp}
========================================================================
= Extended Goofs / Technical Nitpicks =
>> Wind _out_, stupid.
Mark Poyser: Spiral galaxy is shown rotating with trailing arms (as if
winding up), as opposed to leading arms. (Still an unresolved issue
in astronomy.)
>> Interspecies boinkage
Many people argued over this one. If Leela really is a "humanoid
alien"
rather than an actual human, she would not be sexually compatible
with Zapp Brannigan, right? Well, the main argument was that all the
complex genetic science and chromosome studies don't mean squat when
all you're doing is just, um, having a good time as the two of them
were. And while an argument like that should be the final one (as
long as the foot fits in the shoe, who cares if the shoes match?),
that didn't stop our internet cabal from brainstorming. Here's some
solutions to the quandary, assuming Leela and Zapp had actual
reproduction in mind:
- Leela's race is actually only a distant ancestor of ours, which
branched off centuries ago, so enough similarities exist to
warrant compatibility.
- There is nothing inherently alien about Leela's family. She was
simply a one-eyed mutant in a largely binocular society, and
that's why she was abandoned on our insignificant blue planet in
the first place.
- Zapp Brannigan is actually a one-eyed alien himself, only he's
undergone intense surgery to hide this fact. (Perhaps he got
it done at the Implant Hut, or from a low-profile organ dealer
in
Little Neptune.)
>> Mind Over Dark Matter
Steve VanDevender: Nibbler consumed many, many times his weight in
other animals from Vergon 6, and excreted a tremendously dense "dark
matter" pellet, yet Leela could still easily hold him.
Paul Melnyk: He probably has phaser-strength bile if you will.
Vince Yim: If Leela had struggled to lift the thing up, it would have
given too early of a clue to the viewer that there was something a
little different about it.
Boffo Bill: Remember 1 pound of dark matter weighs 10,000 pounds.
Judging by volume, that Nibbler scat couldn't be more then a 1/4
pounds worth. Leela could lift an extra 1/4 pound without even
noticing. When Bender goes to pick it up however, you must recall
the conversion rate of 1 to 10,000. Even a robot would find 2,500
pounds difficult to move. If that didn't help, remember the coyote
doesn't fall until he looks down.
>> One Small Step for Nibbler
Paul Tomko: My question is, why did the space ship suddenly shudder
when the animal pooped, even though the weight of the dropping was
on
the ship the whole time?
Jim Frank: Now I know I've got to brush up on my physics, but assuming
the ship had some kind of artificial gravity, when the pellet
dropped, the potential energy converted to kinetic energy and
transferred itself to the ship's hull when it hit ... thus the
shudder. I could be wrong on this, so prepare for a whole host of
replies from people who have more time on their hand to research it
if I am. ;)
Valery Tsyplenkov: Take a 20-pound dumbbell in your hand, and drop it
onto the floor. Even though the weight remained in the house all the
time, the resulting thud will be noticeable. :)
Vince Yim: I think the ship lurches when Nibbler pooped the dark matter
because it wasn't sitting in the litter box when it let go. I could
get into the physics of all this, but let's just say that most
animals don't sit down to take a dump. They usually let it fall out
of their butts.
In my opinion, the "shudder" had nothing to do with gravity.
You'd get
the same effect if you threw it at the wall.
Nick Zielinksi: Actually, the little antenna on Nibbler's head is a
gravitational field generator. This allows the creature to move
about freely and carry it's own mass. Once he poops, the dropping
is
outside the sphere of influence (kinda like a warp field) and returns
to it's original weight.
Jeff Lee: How about this: the creature's digestive tract exists in
another dimension. This could explain:
1. How it was able to consume all of the other animals in the hold
without appearing engorged.
2. How Leela was able to pick it up even with the weight of all of
those animals in its digestive tract.
3. Why the ship shuddered when the dark matter was excreted (and
therefore reappeared suddenly in this universe).
Elliot Marc Davis: When Nibbler ate the animals, they got transported
to dimension Q, where they get digested, hence Nibbler does not
increase in size. When it gets ready to crap fuel, it gets
transported back into Nibbler. It makes perfect sense!
Robert Teague: Which leaves only the question of how Nibbler gets any
nutition out of it.
========================================================================
= Reviews =
Dale G. Abersold: For many reasons, I felt that this was the best
episode yet. First of all, the Zapp Brannigan character is a
brilliant parody of a certain Starfleet captain (certainly a funnier
parody than the "William Shatner" impersonation on the most
recent
"Family Guy." The plot was both clever AND hilarious (this
was the
first time that I ever broke up laughing while simply recounting the
plot of a television show to another person). And would it be
chauvinistic to point out that I liked Amy Wong's nightclub outfit?
It would? Oh well, who cares. True, the episode wasn't perfect,
(Brannigan's alien sidekick was a bit tiresome), but all in all, this
was the first episode (first of many, hopefully) to truly realize
Futurama's terrific premise. (A)
Scott Henrichs: "I've got Gay-dar!" That along with "Brannigan's
laws
are like Brannigan's love -- hard and fast" were tonight's two
best
quotes. However, I do think the Simpsons and Futurama are starting
to overdo it on the gay jokes. But tonight's episode was still
great, I give it an: (A-)
Haynes Lee: The Star Trek/Captain Kirk humor was a far improvement from
last Sunday's The Family Guy episode. I can't believe Fox gave the
Sunday timeslot to that show. (A)
Paul Melnyk: Worst Episode of Futurama so far. Most jokes didn't seem
to hit off too well either. I would have given this episode an F,
but a few things saved it. Very brief appearances by Amy, and Dr.
Zoidberg. Now it's just good old Leela, Bender, and Fry. I also
liked the Sci-Fi plot as well. Hopefully the show's gonna stay like
this. Some good CGI effects too. (C+)
Paul Turner: I dont know, I didn't really like this one as much as I,
Roommate. Zapp was annoying (he was obviously written for Phil
Hartman, not that Phil was annoying). And, from what Ive seen of
Leela so far, she would never just sleep with Zapp for no reason.
Eh, (C+)
Yours Truly: It gets credit for being the first episode to expand the
show's scope beyond our own solar system, but there were a few slow
parts, mostly the interaction between Zapp and Kif. It's funny in
that they're almost the exact antithesis of Burns and Smithers, but
started to become a one-joke deal. Some parts I just loved; Vergon
6
was blissfully weird! (B+)
Average Grade: [25/6=4.1(6)] (B+)
========================================================================
= Final Thoughts / Comments =
>> Ah, Mr. Bender? Your gaydar is ready
Benjamin Robinson offers more proof that the future is now: Tyler Gray,
a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel, reports on a new way for single
people to meet-n-greet. Called the "lovegety," it's a little
beeper
that comes in different versions for men and women. You're supposed
to set a switch to "love," "chat," or whatever
you're looking for in
a girl- or boyfriend. When you get in proximity with someone of the
opposite sex with a similarly configured beeper, both go off and --
viola -- you've broken the ice.
The relevance of this to "Futurama?" Well, there's also
a gay
version called -- you guessed it -- "Gaydar." Lovegetys
(and
Gaydars) are the latest chic import from Japan. The U. S.
distributor, Mike Borer, thinks they'll be a big hit Stateside.
"From what we've heard, every gay male on the planet would go
without
food in order to purchase this product," Borer says.
>> At least Zoidberg didn't name his new girlfriend "Pinchy."
Does anyone think the name "Vergon 6" sounds like "virgin
sex?"
Pablo del Moral: I don't know if this is just a coincidence or some
spanish-speaking writer prank, but the name of the planet, Vergon 6,
is quite a nasty word in spanish (well, without the 6). It means
something like "the big penised one," only much more vulgar.
Really
not something you say over at the Christmas dinner table.
>> Don't Overestimate Our Producers
Sharif Sahwan: When they were at the 'light dinner' on Zapp's ship, the
sign above them had the letters 'doop', obviously standing for the
Democratic Order of Planets, but the way it was written is exactly
the same way as that really annoying tune from a couple of years ago
called doop, by a bunch of people calling themselves doop.
Perhaps there's some other significance to it, but it's probably just
a coincidence and therefore I'm talking out of my very own meatbag
arse.
Jeremy Reaban: The symbol/emblem for "Doop" looks familiar.
Either for
an old video game called "Zoop," or maybe the hand cleaner
"Goop."
>> Last, and probably least
Billy West used the same voice for the gaseous being, M-5438, as he used
in his Jackie Martling impersonations back when he was a regular on
the Howard Stern Show.
Daniel Tropea: Why didn't they bring Amy? They had to collect animals
and the more people the better.
Jeremy Reaban: Kif looks remarkably like a (early) sketch of the aliens
reportedly seen by Betty and Barney Hill. Of course, they would
change the description a bunch of times, so it's probably a
coincidence. But ...
John E. Thelin: Gretchen Moll is an up and coming actress. I only
remember her playing Matt Damon's girlfriend in "Rounders,"
but I
know she's done a few more movies.
Bender says he has a _pair_ of Hermaphlamingos. So, is it one animal
or
two?
========================================================================
= Fun Stuff =
>> References to Previous Episodes
- [1ACV01] "Hip Joint" music was the same as in Fry's first
visit
outdoors in the future
>> Fan-made Alternate Titles for this Episode
"Looking for Lobsters in all the Wrong Places" {ds}
"Sex, Lies, and Videophones" {ds}
"Sexy Eye" {ds}
"The Trouble With Nibblers" {hl}
========================================================================
= Voice Credits =
>> Starring
Billy West ................................. Doug, Fry, Dr. Zoidberg,
Bolt Rollins, M5438, Janitor,
Professor Farnsworth, Zapp Brannigan
Katey Sagal ................................................... Leela
John DiMaggio ...................... Bender, "Rings" guy,
"You suck!"
>> Guest Starring
Lauren Tom .......................................... Amy, Fry's date
Phil LaMarr .................................................. Hermes
Maurice LaMarche ................................................ Kif
>> Uncredited
Frank Welker ................................................ Nibbler
David X. Cohen ................. "This is Vergon 6" (digitized
to the
point of indistinction)
= Quotes and Scene Summaries =
% At a fancy restaurant, Leela is sitting across the table from a man;
% they are apparently on a date together. Each of them has nothing but
% a small, yellow dot on their plate.
Leela: This place was a great choice. The food is amazing ... and
such generous portions!
Man: If you liked the meal, just wait 'till you try these after-
dinner mints!
Leela: You know, Doug, a lot of guys are are put off by my eye. It's
nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded.
% They lean over to finish their meals, and Doug's mouth releases a
% long, fat, yellow- and green-striped tounge that slurps up his after-
% dinner mint. Leela is disgusted, and yells out "Eew!"
% End of Act One (0:18)
% The crew (Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Dr. Zoidberg, Hermes) are gathered
% around in the kitchen. Leela pours herself a cup of coffee as she
% talks to her friends.
Fry: What was wrong with your date last night?
Leela: I don't know ... something I couldn't quite put my finger
on. Possibly his vile lizard-tongue.
Amy: Oh, you're too picky.
Fry: Yeah, if you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a
low IQ or an explosive, violent temper, of course you're
gonna be lonely.
Leela: There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now, can
we please stop ...
Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon, she
will drop her eggs and they will hatch, and all will be
well.
Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a
guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he
actually has a really good body.
Leela: Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly
happy with my life the way it is.
Bender: _That_ sounds like a cry for help.
Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great
places to meet people.
Hermes: The Federal Sex Borough.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy: [thinks] ... I'll pick.
% Amy picks "The Hip Joint." It's a techno-colored, Jetsons-like
% building resting atop a long, thin pole, with another thin pole
% branching out the side for a parking lot. The place has an incredibly
% high ceiling, with curvy platforms floating at different levels in the
% center for people to dance on, and fancy colored lights of all
% different shapes and sizes swim around them. Many people are wearing
% glowing rings like halos around their limbs, necks, etc.
Amy: Oh, wow, it's totally retro!
Fry: Why's everyone wearing those rings?
Amy: G'uh! Because nobody wears them anymore. Rings are stupid.
Fry: I think they look cool.
Amy: Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that.
[A man in the crowd turns around]
Man: [British accent] Hey, did that lad just say rings are cool?
Amy: No. He said they're stupid!
Man: Cool! [gives thumbs-up]
% Bender, Amy and Leela are sitting at a booth, scoping out the place.
Amy: So what do you think of that guy by the bar?
Leela: I don't know, maybe.
Bender: Forget it, he's gay.
Leela: What? How can you tell?
Bender: I just know these things. I've got what they call "gay-dar."
Leela: There's no such thing.
% Bender insists that there is, and to prove it, he reaches into his
% chest cavity and pulls out a little dial-laden box with a satellite
% dish coming out the top. Bender aims at the man, and a little pink
% light buzzes.
Bender: Yep, he's gay.
Amy: Are you sure?
Bender: Definitely ... unless I'm getting interference from a gay
weather balloon.
% Fry is sitting at the bar, talking to a red-haired woman.
Woman: You're from the 20th century? That's incredible. _I'm_ from
the 21st century!
Fry: No way! We've got so much in common!
Woman: We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity?
Fry: [thinks] Uh ... yeah, that rings a bell.
% A pompous-looking man is now sitting at the booth with our heros,
% grinning obnoxiously at Leela.
Amy: This is Bolt Rollins. Bolt is a hypersled racer with ten wins
on the pro circuit.
Bolt: Hellooo, beautiful.
Bender: [whispering to Leela] I think she means ten wins on the _gay_
circuit.
Bolt: [laughs] I wish. Those cats can really fly.
% Dr. Zoidberg sits alone at a table, and in trying to get a grip on his
% drink with his claw, it spills. Poor Zoidberg folds his arms sadly,
% but his face lights up when, in the fish tank across from his table,
% he spots a small lobster. The two look lovingly at each other as
% dreamy music plays. Back at the booth, Bolt Rollins is gone, and now
% a green, gaseous ball floats in the seat across from Leela.
Amy: This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.
Leela: That's great, really, but he's just not what I'm looking for.
M-5438: I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical
body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone.
% M-5438 floats away, and Bender reassures Amy that it's just as well
% because he "comes from a dimension that's big on musical theater."
% Outside, people are walking their dates home. Amy walks alongside M-
% 5438, Dr. Zoidberg carries his lobster friend, and Fry leaves the red-
% haired woman alone for a moment to talk to Bender. He says he needs
% the apartment for the night, so he gives Bender the money to see a
% saucy puppet show, and Bender cheerfully agrees.
% Leela is still sitting alone at the booth thinking to herself when a
% janitor stops his sweeping to walk over to her. As soon as she looks
% up at him, his come-on line grinds to a halt.
Janitor: Ugh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.
% The next morning, the Planet Express crew is once again chatting over
% coffee in the kitchen. Leela ignores all further inquiries from
% Bender about her personal life, and Professor Farnsworth has business
% for them to attend to. It's not a delivery, but a tax-deductable
% mission of charity to the planet Vergon 6. A holographic map of the
% planet rotates in the center of the table and acts as a visual aid as
% Professor Farnsworth describes the situation.
Map: This is Vergon 6.
Prof.: This is Vergon 6.
Amy: B'uh!
Prof.: It's a sunny, little doomed planet inhabited by a number of
frisky, little doomed animals.
Leela: [concerned] Animals?
Prof.: That's right, animals in desperate need of rescue. You see,
Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known
as
Dark Matter, each pound of which weighs over 10,000 pounds.
Leela: Wait, what about the _animals_?
Prof.: Well, Dark Matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel.
That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely
hollow.
Leela: [impatient] Yes, but what about the _animals_?
Prof.: A-Wha'?
Leela: The _animals_.
Prof.: _I_ didn't say anything about animals. Now, it seems the
planet will collapse within three days. [sadly]
Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.
Leela: So, we have to bring back two of each kind, just like "Noah's
Ark!"
Bender: Why two?
% Leela bends over to whisper in Bender's ear, and he giggles bashfully.
% Later, the ship blasts off, and Fry and Bender chat in the cockpit on
% their way to Vergon 6.
Fry: I betcha' Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye.
Bender: That'll take forever. What she oughta' do is find a nice guy
with two eyes and poke one out.
Fry: Yeah, that'd be a time-saver.
% Leela, who we now find out was sitting behind them the whole time,
% kindly asks them to stop the conversation, but Bender nonetheless
% offers her a fork to use as an eye-poker.
Leela: Thank you, but I don't care how many eyes a man has. As long
as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a man who's
adventurous, self-confident ... maybe a snappy dresser.
% Turns out that inside a large spaceship flying very close nearby,
% there's an adventurous, snappy-dressed starship captain admiring
% himself in front of his assistant (who looks like a little, green
% alien) in the cockpit of his ship.
Captain: These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer?
1st Officer: I suppose, Captain. I'm not as big a fan of velour as
you are. Now, what do you want to do about that
unidentified ship?
Captain: Destroy them!
% He raises his fist in the air, and when he notices the muscle formed
% on his arm, he caresses it.
Captain: Ooh, that's got a _nice_ feel to it.
% End of Act Two (5:29)
% The large ship flies its course as the captain dictates to his first
% officer. "Captain's Journal. Stardate 3000.3." He's interrupted
% because the first officer doesn't realize he's being spoken to. Once
% that's cleared up, the dictation continues.
Captain: We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security
cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical
dogfight followed by a light dinner. [pause] Ravioli ...
ham ... Sunday bar ...
% From the Planet Express ship, Leela recognizes their neighboring craft
% as that of Zapp Brannigan. Fry seems impressed, despite not knowing
% who Zapp Brannigan is. Back in the other ship, Zapp is still speaking
% with his first officer (who we find is named Kif) about the UFO flying
% nearby.
Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir?
Zapp: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess you can never let your
adversary see your pieces.
% Kif groans and rolls his eyes, but his boss doesn't get the point.
% Leela and the gang are still chatting with each other about Zapp.
Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian
system from a horde of rampaging killbots.
Fry: Wow.
Bender: A grim day for robot kind. [brightly] Eh, but we can always
built more killbots.
Leela: He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order
of Planets.
Fry: [teasing] Leela's got a boyfriend!
Leela: No, I don't! But I think we oughta' meet with him and see if
he'll help us rescue those animals.
Bender: [hands Leela a fork] Well, just in case you guys hit it off,
you'll want to take this with you.
Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us.
Zapp: A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text
"The Art of War." Or my own masterwork, "Zapp
Brannigan's Big
Book of War." [Zapp holds up a copy] But the one thing
their
captain doesn't realize -- and never will -- is that ...
Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.
Zapp: [despaired] Then I've risked all and lost. [he gets up to
leave] Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker
chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O.
box.
% As he reaches for the door, it opens up and our three heros are
% standing there. Frightened, Zapp dashes into an empty chair at the
% nearest control panel and hides. The crew steps forward into the room
% and as the door closes behind them, Leela introduces herself to Kif.
% She explains who they are, and that they've come aboard to plead for
% Zapp's assistance. Before Kif can finish a sentence, Zapp rushes
% between the two and begins to flirt with Leela, and from the
% exhasperated way Leela speaks it seems she shares his feelings.
Zapp: _I'm_ in command here. Zapp Brannigan ... has my fame preceded
me or was I to _quick_ for it?
Leela: Oh, not at all. I'm just so really thrilled to meet you!
Zapp: You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly,
a
potent combination.
Leela: You don't mean that.
Zapp: But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains
sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier.
% Zapp leans forward to kiss her hand, but the mood is spoiled when Fry
% sticks his head in the way and begins babbling like a moron. "I
heard
% one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings
% in the something-something system."
Zapp: The killbots? A trifle. It was simply a matter of outsmarting
them.
Fry: Wow, I never would have thought of that!
Zapp: You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their
weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until
they reached their limit and shut down.
% Zapp asks Kif to show them the medal he won, and Kif groans because
% the medal is right there on the front of Zapp's suit. They eat dinner
% in an enormous dining hall, their table on a ledge overlooking dozens
% of lengthy tables at which hundreds of men eat. Kif pours cheese of
% Zapp's food as Leela begins to talk business with him. He promises
% that whatever it is, he's willing to put wave after wave of men at her
% disposal and raises his glass to the legions of men below for
% approval. In the silence, one of them yells back, "You suck!"
Leela
% explains their mission, but Zapp spits out his food in surprise at the
% mention of Vergon 6.
Zapp: This light dinner is over.
Leela: What's wrong?
Zapp: The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with
undeveloped worlds. It's little rule known as Brannigan's Law.
Leela: But people already interfered. That planet was mined
completely hollow!
Zapp: Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew.
Leela: [stammers] This doesn't make any sense.
Zapp: I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely
enforce it.
Leela: Fine, we'll save the animals without your help!
Zapp: I'm afraid I can't allow that. [yells] Guards?
% Zapp's guards apprehend the three crew members, and Bender explains
to
% Fry that they're being thrown in prison. Zapp allows Fry to have his
% food wrapped up to go. They're taken to their prison cell, which is
a
% small white chamber with a metal pipe going up one wall, white benches
% coming out of two sides, and a door in the front with a green force
% field which gives Leela an electric shock as she tries to walk out of
% it.
Leela: I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit
who threw me in prison.
Bender: You really are too picky.
% Zapp wants Kif to follow him up to the observation deck to do some
% musing. As soon as Kif begins to follow Zapp up the ladder, though,
% he must sheild his eyes. Apparently Zapp doesn't do much to keep the
% sun from shining. :-) In the observation deck, Zapp looks out the
% window at the passing stars and planets as he speaks to his partner.
Zapp: I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions?
Kif: I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her
under directive B-10.81.
Zapp: You mean ... Brannigan's Law?
Kif: [sigh] Right, that law.
Zapp: [slyly] Which one?
Kif: [big sigh] Brannigan's Law.
Zapp: Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend, but you've earned my
contempt once again. As my protege, you should know that the
only way to deal with a female adversary is to _seduce_ her.
[Kif groans] This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif: [agitated] Yes.
Zapp: Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out
my formal shorts.
Kif: The boy, sir?
Zapp: [pause] You. _You_ lay out my formal shorts.
% Kif lowers his head in utter dismay. Later, he's walking Leela down
% the chamber outside Zapp's bedroom. He tells her "The Jackass"
wants
% to see her in his quarters, and she sees it as a chance to reason with
% him captain-to-captain. She ignores his suggestion, though, that Zapp
% wants her to wear a certain outfit; one that reveals pretty much
% everything but the knees and shoulders. Zapp replies to her first
% knock on the door, and calls her inside.
Zapp: Come and get it! [pause as Leela walks inside] Welcome to my
humble chamber or, as I call it, the "Lovenasium."
% The Lovenasium is small, but tall. There's a heart-shaped bed over
a
% slightly raised section of the carpet (on which Zapp lies in his
% bathrobe), the window and walls are lined with candles, and on the far
% wall is a huge portrait of the captain himself. The color scheme is
% mainly red. Zapp offers Leela some champagne, but pronounces it wrong
% (i.e., phonetically). Leela responds that she didn't realize he was
% such a "connoisseur," and pronounces that incorrectly in kind.
Zapp: Well, I have studied abroad -- or two!!! [belly laugh]
% Leela humors him with a small giggle and tosses the champagne out of
% her glass. She tries in vain to speak to him seriously, and he
% pretends to listen while manipulating a small lever on the side of the
% bed that causes it to glide slowly across the room towards her. It
% knocks over a bedside table. Zapp's lustful expression is broken when
% Leela yanks an extension cord out of the wall with her foot, and the
% hovering bed thumps down several feet to the floor.
Zapp: I like your style. I find it very ... [whispers] ... erotic.
Leela: What?
Zapp: [yelling] Erotic!!!
% Down below them, Kif is in his tiny bedroom chamber reading. The word
% "erotic" echoes around him, and he pounds on the ceiling with
the end
% of a long broom. Meanwhile, Fry is investigating the metal pipe in
% their prison cell and he has an idea. "We can definitely escape,
% Bender! All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe."
% Bender agrees, and once he bends the hatch off, a ton of steam pours
% out that instantly fills the room.
Fry: No good, it's full of steam!
% Zapp tries to encourage Leela to feel his valour bedspread, even
% though she specifically explains to him that she's not in the mood.
Leela: Can't I _please_ just go back to prison?
Zapp: [shocked] You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening
with the Zapper?
Leela: _Much_ rather.
% Leela, facing the other way with her arms folded, begins to hear
% sobbing noises that she doesn't believe at first, but it turns out the
% Zapper is indeed starting to cry.
Leela: What are you doing?
Zapp: [sobs] Oh God, I'm pathetic. Sorry, just go. You want the
rest of the champagne? [still pronounced wrong]
Leela: No. And it's pronounced "champagne."
Zapp: [crying loudly] Oh God, no!!!
Leela: It's not a big deal.
Zapp: I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would
understand.
Leela: Aw, forget it.
Zapp: Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff, but through
it all, you're completely alone.
Leela: [caring] It comes with the job!
Zapp: I'm just so lonely!!!
% Zapp continues to sob as Leela tries to reassure him. Cut back to the
% prison cell, where the room is still full of steam. Fry and Bender
% are sitting on the bench wrapped in towels, and it looks like they're
% enjoying themselves.
Fry: You wanna try escaping again?
Bender: Nah, I'm comfy.
Fry: Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least
making progress with Zapp Brannigan.
% Accompanied by some dramatic music, Leela wakes up. She's lying down.
% Without her clothes. Under the covers. In a red, heart-shaped bed.
% Next to Zapp Brannigan. She screams. For a long time.
% End of Act Three (7:26)
% As Zapp snores, Leela tries to dress herself and sneak out of the room
% without waking him. But as she tip-toes away, Zapp wakes and greets
% his lover good-morning.
Leela: Uh, listen, Zapp ...
Zapp: Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't
envy you.
Leela: Zapp, last night was a mistake.
Zapp: A _sexy_ mistake.
Leela: No, just a regular mistake. For a split second, my common
sense was overwhelmed by pity.
Zapp: [laughs] A split second is all it takes. That's why, sooner
or later, you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. [clucks his
tongue]
Leela: The only kind of crawling I'm doing to _you_ is "away."
[pause] "...from."
Zapp: Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.
Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals wheather
you like it or not.
Zapp: Go ahead. _I_ won't stop you.
Leela: Threaten all you ... wait, what?
Zapp: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before "the
craving" sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another
taste of sweet, sweet candy.
% Zapp runs his finger up and down his own semi-exposed thigh, trying
to
% seduce her again. She just groans in disgust and leaves, and Zapp
% calls Kif in. Kif, upon entering the room, struggles desperately not
% to look at his captain, who is now standing at the side of his bed,
% covered only with a red blanket clutched in his hand.
Zapp: [triumphantly] I have made it with a woman! Inform the men.
% The force field is lifted from Fry and Bender's cell. Leela and Kif
% wait on the other side.
Kif: The fatso says you're free to go.
Fry: Really? Why?
Kif: [quietly] Why, indeed.
[Kif gives a suspicious look at Leela and leaves]
Fry: What does _that_ mean?
Leela: Nothing.
Bender: So, should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?
Leela: [snappishly] We just talked, okay?
% Zapp's ship is left behind, and the gang are on their way to the
% surface of Vergon 6. It's a very strange world indeed, with thick,
% colorful clouds and strange plantlife, and most importantly, it's
% completely hollow; the ground cracks underneath the ship when it
% lands. The gang are gathered outside the ship, each carrying a large
% net and Leela with a clipboard, to begin their hunt.
Leela: Alright, we don't have much time to collect these animals. The
planet is supposed to collapse in approximately [checks her
watch] ... two hours ago.
% The hunt is on. In this sequence, the animals are captured as they
% appear on the clipboard. Bender tries to capture a Purple Fruit Snake
% which eats him whole. Fry goes after a Windy Shrimp. Leela chases
% down a Four-Legged Mimic that looks exactly like her, only with a
% horse's body. It mimics her every movement, and when Fry comes by
% with a net, he can't figure out who's who. He throws the net on
% Leela.
% As Leela checks what's next on the list, she's distracted by the grass
% at her feet. One of the dandelion-like white puffs begins to move,
% and once it leaves the patch of grass we see it's actually an antennae
% that belongs to a small animal. The white puff is his third eye.
% Leela bends down to say hello and the animal rubs up against her leg
% warmly. She looks at the clipboard.
Leela: He doesn't seem to be on the checklist.
Bender: So, you're saying we can cook him?
Fry: Yeah, barbeque! I'll wear my hilarious apron.
Leela: No. I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not
cooking him.
% The little critter picks up a big almond-like thingy and starts to
% nibble on it, so Leela decides to call him "Nibbler." Bender
sighs
% contently, but nonetheless whispers to Fry to "fire up the grill."
% They drop Nibbler into the cargo bay where the rest of the Vergon 6
% species are being held. On their way up to the cockpit, Leela worries
% if the little guy'll be okay with all those big animals, but she seems
% to have underestimated his strength. As soon as one large, mean-
% looking lizard approaches, Nibbler swallows him whole. The other
% animals are threatened a bit, needless to say. Meanwhile, Zapp
% Brannigan and Kif are sitting together in his observation deck.
Zapp: You know, Kif, once my woman returns, I won't have much time to
hang out with the boys anymore.
Kif: That's a shame, sir.
Zapp: So, let's make the most of our time together, shall we?
[long pause]
Never mind, just give me a back-rub.
% Poor Kif buries his face in his hands. Back on Vergon 6, Bender finds
% the last species on the list, a pair of Hermaphlamingos (use your
% imagination). They open up the cargo bay hatch once more to drop the
% bird off, but find only Nibbler, standing alone in a big, empty room.
% Nibbler promptly devours the Hermaphlamingo as well, and burps.
Leela: [scolding] Nibbler!
Fry: I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy, and enjoyed
a steam, just to get lunch for that stupid animal.
Bender: He's pending for a bending.
% Bender rolls up his 'sleeves' and marches over to Nibbler, who runs
to
% Leela for safety.
Leela: Leave him alone! It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable
killing machine! [to Nibbler] _Is_ it, snookums?
% The ground rumbles, and Fry dashes out the door frightened because
% "the planet's kerploding." He falls two stories to the ground
% outside, and crashes through the thin layer of dirt to dangle on one
% of the few stalactites under the crust. They help him back up, and
% prepare for liftoff inside the ship a moment later. The motor coughs
% and wheezes, but the ship doesn't budge.
Leela: We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to fill the tank before
we left!
Bender: Ah, I'll do it when we get back.
Fry: Man, lucky for us, Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
Leela: No way. Forget it. I refuse to go crawling back to him.
Fry: What? What are you talking about?
Leela: [apprehensive] Nothing. We just talked.
Bender: So, what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him.
[a few moments of the appropriate awkward silence]
[slowly] Oh ... my ... God!
Fry: How could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I
mean, geez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla!
Leela: That's enough. Don't you think I feel bad enough already?
Fry: No.
% After the ground shakes a few more times, Leela finally agrees to call
% him ("If living is _that_ important to you."), and her videophone
call
% shows up on Zapp's monitor during a speech on why Kif will never make
% captain. Zapp is mightily impressed that his prediction seems to have
% come true. (His prediction about Leela returning; not Kif's destiny.)
Leela: Zapp, we're out of fuel and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We
need your help.
Zapp: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly?
Delicious.
Leela: Birds don't crawl.
Zapp: [defensive] They've been known to!
Leela: Look, are you gonna rescue us or not?
Zapp: Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully?
% Fry and Bender urge her on, and she reluctantly starts to speak in a
% loving, sickening tone to Zapp. He agrees, but when he sees Nibbler
% climbling onto Leela's shoulder, he orders her to get rid of it.
Zapp: That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's
love. Hard and fast. Now, put that greasy rat outside and
we'll tow you to safety.
Leela: I would _never_ abandon a helpless animal! You know, Zapp,
once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then, I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But, now,
I realize that outside that pitiful child is a big, pompous
buffoon!
Zapp: [proudly] And which one rocked your world?
% Leela furiously slams the receiver down, and the call is disconnected.
Fry: Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape
plan?
Leela: [thinks] I guess, to sit here and wait for death.
Bender: Can do!
% They all hear a loud noise come from across the room. In the corner,
% Nibbler stands next to a litter box with a tiny, spherical, black lump
% in the center of it. They conclude that the lump is Dark Matter, and
% that Nibbler's species must have filled the entire planet with it.
% Bender remembers that Dark Matter was used as starship fuel, and as
% their final warning, the ground rumbles once more.
% Under Leela's direction, Bender carries the surprisingly heavy little
% ball (wrapped in a plastic baggie) into the engine room, and throws
it
% into the fuel-burning chamber, sending some wild flames up in the air.
% With their fuel replenished, the ship rises to safety, and warps away
% as what's left of Vergon 6 ceases to exist behind them.
% As they cheer, Leela takes out a pair of binoculars (only using half
% of them, obviously), and looks back to see that some of the animals
% actually survived the implosion, whom are now standing on all sides
of
% a ball that can't be more than twenty feet in diameter, floating
% through space.
Bender: So a couple animals didn't die, and Leela got lucky. That's
what I call a successful mission.
Fry: We're heros!
% On the way back, Leela sits alone at her workstation, writing in her
% diary with Nibbler on her lap. She speaks aloud as she writes.
Leela: Dear captain's diary ... I may not have found love on this
mission, but I did find a cute little companion who excretes
starship fuel. And that's just as good.
% She pauses, wrinkles up the paper, and throws it in the trash.
% Meanwhile, Zapp Brannigan is dictating his own Captain's log to his
% loyal-but-disgruntled First Officer.
Zapp: Captain's Journal, Stardate, uh ...
Kif: [groans] April 13th!
Zapp: April 13th ... point 2! We have failed to uphold Brannigan's
Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe.
[triumphantly] And, in the end, is that not what man dreamt of
when first he looked up at the stars? [pause] Kif, I'm asking
you a question!
% Zapp continues to stand proudly in silence. After a long time, Kif
% just groans to himself.
% End of Act Four (8:05)
========================================================================
= Contributers =
{cw} Clarke Wyvill {mp} Mark Poyser
{dcm} David C. Morrison {pdm} Pablo del Moral
{dga} Dale G. Abersold {pm2} Patrick McNulty
{dj} Daniel Janes {rd} Robert Dugan
{ds} Dave Sweatt {sam} Steven Aaron Monroe
{hl} Haynes Lee {sp} Susan Pinochet
{jk} Joe Klemm {sv} Steve VanDevender
{jmg} Jeremy Michael Gallen {trl} Team Rocket Leela
{jr} Jeremy Reaban {zz} Zachary Zulkowski
{lp} Leandro Pardini
========================================================================
Futurama and its characters are the ===== First uploaded: 09-May-1999
properties of 30th Century Fox, who ===== Revision D : 05-Dec-1999
are willing to send wave after wave of ===== E-mail me: <jedraw@aol.com>
lawyers at our disposal. Compiled by =================================
Jordan "The Windy Shrimp" Eisenberg. =================================
|