The Skinhead Hamlet

Shakespeare's play translated into modern English.
by Richard Curtis

Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of the New English Bible -- Eds.

`ACT I SCENE I`

The battlements of Elsinore Castle.

      (Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.)
  GHOST:   Oi!  Mush!
  HAMLET:  Yer?
  GHOST:   I was fucked!
      (Exit GHOST.)
  HAMLET:  O Fuck.
      (Exit HAMLET.)

`SCENE II`

The Throneroom.

      (Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.)
  CLAUDIUS:  Oi!  You, Hamlet, give over!
  HAMLET:    Fuck off, won't you?
      (Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
  HAMLET:    (Alone)  They could have fucking waited.
      (Enter HORATIO.)
  HORATIO:   Oi!  Watcha cock!
  HAMLET:    Weeeeey!
      (Exeunt.)

`SCENE III`

Ophelia's Bedroom.

      (Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.)
  LAERTES:  I'm fucking off now.  Watch Hamlet doesn't slip
            you one while I'm gone.
  OPHELIA:  I'll be fucked if he does.
      (Exeunt.)

`SCENE IV`

The Battlements.

      (Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.)
  GHOST:   Oi!  Mush, get on with it!
  HAMLET:  Who did it then?
  GHOST:   That wanker Claudius.  He poured fucking poison in
           my fucking ear!
  HAMLET:  Fuck me!
      (Exeunt.)

`ACT II SCENE I`

A corridor in the castle.

      (Enter HAMLET reading.  Enter POLONIUS.)
  POLONIUS:     Oi! You!
  HAMLET:       Fuck off, grandad!
      (Exit POLONIUS.  Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
  ROS & GUILD:  Oi! Oi!  Mucca!
  HAMLET:       Fuck off, the pair of you!
      (Exit ROS & GUILD.)
  HAMLET:       (Alone)  To fuck or be fucked.
      (Enter OPHELIA.)
  OPHELIA:      My Lord!
  HAMLET:       Fuck off to a nunnery!
      (They exit in different directions.)

`ACT III SCENE I`

The Throne Room.

      (Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.)
  I PLAYER:  Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
  CLAUDIUS:  I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
      (Exeunt.)

`SCENE II`

Gertrude's Bedchamber.

      (Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.)
  HAMLET:    Oi!  Slag!
  GERTRUDE:  Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
  POLONIUS:  (From behind the curtain)  Too right.
  HAMLET:    Who the fuck was that?
      (He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
  POLONIUS:  Fuck!
  HAMLET:    Fuck!  I thought it was that other wanker.
      (Exeunt.)

`ACT IV SCENE I`

A Court Room.

  CLAUDIUS:  Fuck off to England then!
  HAMLET:    Delighted, mush.

`SCENE II`

The Throne Room.

      (OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.)
  OPHELIA:   Here, cop a whack of this.
      (She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
  CLAUDIUS:  She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
  GERTRUDE:  (Looking out the window)  There is a willow grows
             aslant the brook.
  CLAUDIUS:  Get on with it, slag.
  GERTRUDE:  Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
  CLAUDIUS:  Fuck!  Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
      (Exeunt.)

`SCENE III`

A Corridor.

  LAERTES:   (Alone)  I'm going to fucking do this lot.
      (Enter CLAUDIUS.)
  CLAUDIUS:  I didn't fucking do it, mate.  It was that wanker
             Hamlet.
  LAERTES:   Well, fuck him.

`ACT V SCENE I`

Hamlet's Bedchamber.

      (HAMLET and HORATIO seated.)
  HAMLET:  I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and
           you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
      (Exeunt.)

`SCENE II`

Large Hall.

      (Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.)
  LAERTES:     Oi, wanker:  let's get on with it.
  HAMLET:      Delighted, fuckface.
      (They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
  LAERTES:     Fuck!
  HAMLET:      Fuck!
      (The QUEEN drinks.)
  GERTRUDE:    Fucking odd wine!
  CLAUDIUS:    You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
  HAMLET:      (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat)  Well,
               fuck you!
  CLAUDIUS:    I'm fair and squarely fucked.
  LAERTES:     Oi, mush:  no hard feelings, eh?
  HAMLET:      Yer.
      (LAERTES dies.)
  HAMLET:      Oi!  Horatio!
  HORATIO:     Yer?
  HAMLET:      I'm fucked.  The rest is fucking silence.
      (HAMLET dies.)
  HORATIO:     Fuck:  that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
      (Enter FORTINBRAS.)
  FORTINBRAS:  What the fuck's going on here?
  HORATIO:     A fucking mess, that's for sure.
  FORTINBRAS:  No kidding.  I see Hamlet's fucked.
  HORATIO:     Yer.
  FORTINBRAS:  Fucking shame:  fucking good bloke.
  HORATIO:     Too fucking right.
  FORTINBRAS:  Fuck this for a lark then.  Let's piss off.
      (Exeunt with alarums.)

(End)